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We know folks are starving in the Congo, but are you starving in Bethesda? In honor of “these toughest of times,” Grapeseed will be giving away lunch every Wednesday in June. That’s right – no fine print, no asterisks, no fast-talking guy at the end of the commercial, just the free lunch that economists are always talking about (though, technically, the saying “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” applies to the concept of opportunity cost – that is, the time spent consuming lunch can never be regained, and time is money, so, in the opportunity-cost sense, there really is no such thing as free lunch, goddammit).

Wait a minute – it seems Grapeseed is only offering “selected entrees” for free, which takes a bit of a shine off of the whole “free” concept. (I mean, I offer my wit and wisdom for free to any person or persons who happen to be in my immediate vicinity. The question is – do they really want the wit and wisdom I’m offering? Maybe they think my wit and wisdom isn’t worth a dime! But, certainly, Grapeseed’s Shrimp and Wild Mushroom Stew is worth more than a dime. In fact, on every day that’s not a Wednesday in June 2009, that stew is worth $6. One could also order the Shrimp and Wild Mushroom Stew on a Wednesday and somehow store it until Thursday, then report back to Grapeseed at lunch and sell it below-market prices. However, the stew would be old at that point, and probably worth less. However, stews and soups sometimes improve with age, so maybe it would actually be worth more! I hope to Christ that Grapeseed has thought this through. By this time Thursday, they could be out of business! There’s nothing those stingy Bethesda housewives love more than day-old Grapeseed’s Shrimp and Wild Mushroom Stew at below-market prices.)

When I was 18 in 1995, I lived on Cape Cod, played bass in a steel drum band (long story), and interned for a weekly paper called The Barnstable Patriot for $50/week (ha – that’s more than I make at the City Paper today! Hell-arious!). One of the first things I learned on the job (or, more technically, “on the internship”) was that journalists enjoy a reputation for loving – absolutely LOVING – free food. So, since I had become a journalist (or, technically, an intern-journalist), I dedicated myself to loving free food as well, because that’s what real journalists did. I excelled at loving free food because I was also a musician, and, as everyone knows, musicians enjoy a reputation for loving – absolutely LOVING – free food too. So, whichever career path I ultimately chose, you knew that Justin William Moyer sure was going to fucking absolutely LOVE any free food that came his way and, if any ever did, he would find a way to get his tiny, greedy hands on it and stuff as much of that lovely free food as possible into his pie-hole to, as quickly as possible, be absorbed by his 5’8″, 140-pound frame. Of course, this was before the Internet, and online news, and mp3’s, so all that’s gone to shit now.