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St. Louis brewery Schlafly threw their hat into the calorie arms race today, opting to squelch the competition rather than race toward fizzy water. The new Schlafly Ultimate 550 boasts “550 calories and your entire recommended daily allowance of carbs, protein and fat” — don’t miss the shot toward the end of the syrupy goodness oozing out of the bottle.

Of course, it’s available in stores April 1.