Sign up for our free newsletter
Listen, Mr. Almost Mayor—or do you mind if I call you Vince? Listen, Vince, we got to talk about something. Obviously, you had a busy week; Tuesday was a big day, naturally, and then maybe you take Wednesday and Thursday to bask in some congratulations, and get some lunch, so, okay. But that brings us to Friday. And by now, frankly, as a fellow alumnus of Tau Epsilon Phi, I’m a little offended that you haven’t offered me a job yet.
That was my understanding of how things worked here in the District, after all. The guy you beat to get this gig, Adrian Fenty—he gave out jobs left and right to frat brothers. Sure, sure, you and I went to different schools, and of course, you’d graduated from GW long before I ever heard of TEP at Penn (not to mention before I was born). But still! Is our brotherhood any less binding than the one Fenty has with his fellow members of Kappa Alpha Psi?
Mind you, I’m not asking for much. Omar Karim parlayed his fraternity ties to Fenty into millions in city contracts to redevelop schools, rec centers, and Sursum-Corda; given the economic state of the journalism business these days, I’d be happy with a couple hundred bucks in freelance copy editing work. Or, maybe, I don’t know, you could create a new agency for me to run, some kind of Bureau of Publishing and Blogging, call me an assistant deputy mayor, something like that.
Of course, we’d have to spread a few jobs around to some other notable TEP types. Michael Steele, who after all grew up in Petworth, may soon be displaced as the boss at the Republican National Committee; surely you can find something for him to do. (I understand he thinks he’s good at reaching out to black voters.) George Stephanopoulos just left a nice gig at ABC, but you do need a spokesman once you become mayor—maybe you can give him a try, in the name of brotherhood? Sounds like Rick Santorum is going to be busy running around Iowa and New Hampshire, hoping for some news stories about a failed presidential run to change the order of results when you Google his last name, so he’s probably okay without your help.
A lot of TEP’s other famous alumni are dead, though, or close enough to it that they won’t ask you for work: Benny Goodman, Jonas Salk, Red Auerbach, Larry King. Ray Kurzweil has apparently figured out a way to become “transhuman,” and live forever, so he may not be interested in municipal politics. And Dwight Eisenhower is both dead and only an honorary member, and—worse in D.C.—a Republican, so you don’t even need to bother naming anything for him. Admittedly, I and most of the TEP appointees you might find would need to take off for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (and maybe also, if it’s a nice day out, Lag B’Omer), but hey, look at this—Yom Kippur is on a Saturday next year, so that’s no problem at all!
Anyway, that’s my pitch, and like I said, I’m a little hurt I had to even make it. I hope you weren’t too offended that City Paper endorsed the other guy in September; by then, everyone knew you were going to win, anyway, so I figured that wouldn’t hurt my future job prospects. Oh, and I realize it doesn’t matter that much to you, but just so you know—I don’t owe any back taxes, not even in Illinois.