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Lawsuits aside, the D.C. Council is two weeks away from its first budget vote of the year. That means it’s time for the Council’s annual laff extravaganza, a humorous list of budget suggestions from Ward 3 Councilmember Mary Cheh.

This year, the councilmember-turned-insult comic turns her wit on targets including the convenient timing of shadow campaign financier Jeff Thompson‘s guilty plea:

Provide District newspapers with a $167,500 grant for the institution of a weekly segment that covers criminal activities by government officials.  The Committee suggests that this segment be written by a member of the U.S. Attorney’s Office.  Rather than the cumbersome process of filing actual indictments and following federal rules of criminal procedure, such a local and unregulated venue realizes significant efficiencies by permitting the Office to litigate matters in the District Court of Public Opinion.  We recommend that the Council include a line item in the Budget Request Act for those savings to be directed back from the federal government into the General Fund.  In turn, these savings should be allocated to BOE, to cover the increased cost of elections where such salacious details will no doubt significantly increase voter turnout.

The D.C. United Stadium deal:

Allocate $3.5 million for purposes of expediting the land deal necessary to enable the building of the D.C. United stadium.  This will eliminate any requirement to coordinate a land transfer for the Reeves Center.  Rather, the new soccer stadium will be built directly on top of the Safeway in the Palisades.  Providing the Safeway with a grass roof will help the company obtain LEED certification.  Moreover, residents will not need to be concerned about increased traffic or loud noise because—let’s face it—who really goes to D.C. United games.

And haphazard Supercan pickup:

Provide the Department of Public Works with $2.5 million to develop an efficient system for collecting the old trash receptacles that have been replaced by new, larger SuperCans.  Of these funds, DPW will allocate $1 million to provide residents with a garbage bin large enough to fit the old trash receptacle inside of it.  The remaining $1.5 million shall be used for the contract and purchase of these new larger bins—referred to as SuperDuperCans—which will be designed by a manufacturer that specializes in Russian nesting dolls.  The SuperDuperCans will be distributed on alternate trash days, and the old cans will certainly be picked up at some point in time in the perhaps not too distant future.

Read Cheh’s full “budget” below:

[documentcloud url=”https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/1159185-mary-cheh-budget-laffs.html”]

Photo by Darrow Montgomery