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Councilmember David Catania‘s unlikely rise to the mayor’s office is going great—-or so he claims. Catania claimed Monday night that a new campaign poll showed him practically tied with rival Muriel Bowser, then fundraised on the unpublished poll’s supposed results yesterday.

All that fuss over results from a poll he won’t even release bugs mayoral hopeful Carol Schwartz. At her campaign kickoff yesterday, Schwartz griped about reporters covering Catania’s poll claims. This afternoon, Schwartz went further, issuing a joke press release touting her own, entirely imaginary poll.

In Schwartz’s gag poll, she has 75 percent of the vote, Bowser has 3 percent, and trumpet-wielding Statehood Green candidate Faith has 1 percent. For Catania, Schwartz’s friend-turned-nemesis, she chooses the unflattering figure of -3 percent of the vote.

“I realized why not conduct my own internal poll and release the results with no back-up evidence as well,” Schwartz says in her release.

Schwartz’s full fake press release:

Carol Schwartz Releases Internal Poll Results with Absolutely No Backup Evidence

The Carol Schwartz for Mayor Campaign today announces results of a poll the campaign conducted. The poll was done by a credible polling firm (we can’t say more than that, you just have to take our word for it). The poll was conducted among 1,001 registered voters, and the not surprising results: Our poll shows Carol with 75% of the vote, Muriel Bowser at 3%, Faith at 1%, and David Catania at -3%, with 18% of the vote undecided. The margin of error is 99.9%. Notably among the 50+ age bracket, Carol Schwartz has 100% of the vote. Upon learning about these scientifically sound and encouraging numbers, Carol said, “And to think I had been worried about David Catania’s recent poll (which in a way actually pleased me because most of his polls have not even included me as a choice). But then I realized why not conduct my own internal poll and release the results with no back-up evidence as well. Muriel, I look forward to seeing your internal poll results soon.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery