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Haywood Turnipseed Jr.

This election cycle, the mayoral candidates seem to agree on most of the problems with the District. Carol Schwartz, David Catania, and Muriel Bowser all want to fix schools, create more affordable housing, and solve the homelessness crisis. The local comedians roasting them at the Brixton as part of Capital City Showcase’s DMV Roast of the Mayoral Candidates had their own ideas about what the candidates could do to make the city a better place to live.

“Free Rayful Edmond,” Marion Barry (as played by Haywood Turnipseed Jr.) proclaimed, reflecting fondly on the political chaos that reigned in the ’80s. Fictitious Barry promises fictitious Bowser that he’ll let her know where on K Street NW cocaine remains available.

The rest of the roasters repeated the same cliched jokes made by locals who paid any attention to the race over the past eight months. Bowser shares a name with a character from a video game franchise! Catania looks like a toe! He’s also gay! Schwartz is older than both of them! The dozen or so spectators could only clap halfheartedly.

Comedian Reggie Melbrough had the best idea, however. After polling attendees and finding that few supported any of the candidates but all supported the legalization of marijuana, he made a proclamation of his own. “See,” he said before walking off stage. “We want weed for mayor.”