Partial transcription of live audio recording. Unnamed “Performer” at Nouveau Casino, Paris, France, 21.10.07, tentatively identified as Justin Moyer, 30-year old white male, 5’8″, 140 lbs. brown eyes, brown hair.
Peformer (P): Hello Paris!!!! Crowd (C): (silence). P: HELL YEAH! Baby, get ready to rock!!!! (guitar tuning sounds) C: (silence). P: OWWWWWWWW!…Uh…(guitar tuning sounds)…I see you exhibit that particular French disinterest in all things unfamiliar…but that’s groovy baby… C: (silence). P: OWWWWWW! All right! Well, where to begin…(guitar tuning sounds)…We are very late to the show tonight…you see…we drive from Barcelona…CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? C: (silence) P: All right! So, we understand you have been waiting for two hours for us to play! Well, we’re gonna rock your socks off! Yeah! We’re gonna rock your brains out and your balls off! Balls to the wall boogie babies! C: (silence). P: All right, baby! But before we rock (guitar tuning sounds)…let me tell you all about our drive. Goddamn, were are late! You must think we’re real…how do you say?…assholes? C: (silence). P: Uh…(guitar tuning sounds)…well, let me tell you about last night. What a story! Well, last night we drive from Barcelona to a hotel in Montpelier, France. Barcelona is nine hours from Paris, and Montpelier is three hours from Barcelona. Thus, Montepelier is six hours from Paris. That’s simple subtraction baby! THAT’S HOW WE ROCK AND ROLL!!! C: (silence). P: All right! (guitar tuning sounds) But somehow, when we wake up, we realize that Montpelier is NINE hours from Paris in traffic. That makes us three hours behind schedule, baby! Not only that, but I can’t tell the promoter how late we are! Because…dig…I don’t know anything about Paris traffic patterns…you know? Yeah! C: (silence). P: So anyway…we are late as hell…even though our crazy Czech driver drove us on the highway shoulder to get here, risking the wrath of the French authorities. By the way, can I get someone to say FUCK authority! Can I get some applause for the French Situationist Revolution! 1968 baby! C: (one lone voice) The International! The Situationist International! P: All right! We got one convert! Don’t be scared of the simulacra, baby! C: (Silence). P: Okay. So…(guitar tuning sounds)…anyway…as I was saying…we were late. So, when we get here, Monsieur Soundman is like, “You will use zee other band’s backline.” For those without a technical background, that means we should use the other band’s gear. Because that gear is already set up, dig it? So I was like, “Okay, baby, that’s cool, we’re punk, baby.” But then, when I get to the stage, I see that the drumset is set up on stage left. For those without a technical background, that’s the left side of the stage. So I say to Monsieur Soundman…”Hey…Monsieur…baby…we’re punk…but can we like move these drums to stage center, baby?” So Monsieur doesn’t like this, and starts to frown….so, I say, “Hey, Monsieur, turn that frown upside-down, you’re a French cool cat, just let us do our thing, just let us move them drums and hit it, baby…I mean, we’re really cool cats with advanced aesthetics, dig?” And Monsieur and I almost come to blows, you know? But then he realizes I’m a 100% true American…how you say…zee formidable John Wayne style… C: (silence). P: All right! (guitar tuning sounds) So eventually Monsieur comes around…so we move them drums and get all set up, and now we are ready to ROCK. ROCK in the USA with the drums stage center! Cause stage center is where we Americans like our drums! Just like a real rock band, like the Stooges, like the MC5, you know…garage rock party U.S.A. drums stage center! Kick out the jams!!!!!!!!!! C: (silence). P: All right! (guitar tuning sounds). So we’re just about ready to rock here. I just wanted to explain our lateness…because, you know…just as he walked away, Monsieur Soundman says to me, “Hey, Mr. American John Wayne style, you are very late, zee crowd is pissed, so tell zee little joke to the crowd about why you are late, you know, lighten zee mood baby.” So I said, “All right Monsieur, I dig it. I roll with that because that’s the John Wayne style!” So I thought of a joke to tell you before I rock your French asses off, John Wayne style…cause I’ve been in a van for 10 hours, and I’m a comedic genius! DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MY JOKE? C: (silence). P: All right (guitar tuning sounds)…my joke goes like this…I say to the angry crowd…”Hey, wanna know why we’re late?”…and you say… C: (silence). P: Well, at that point in the joke, the angry crowd would say, “What?” And I would say…”Well, we’re late because we spent all afternoon and evening becoming French citizens, and the paperwork is a bitch!” HA HA HA HA HA! (music begins)