Get our free newsletter
Date: 7 November 2007
In re: Humans
Hail 048473893939392927X! I bring you the latest news of my continuing clandestine observation of Milky Way Galaxy, Sun 3x323dd23f, Planet 3, popularly known as “Earth.” I must say, I find the inhabitants of this galactic backwater remarkable!
On Earth Date 7 November 2007, I piloted my starcraft over a freezing geographical area Earth’s denizens call “Scotland.” I wanted to confirm rumors that fluffy, white ruminants called “sheep” overrun this alleged nation-state, and that humans who do not object to something called “factory farming conditions” harvest the coarse hair of these “sheep” for “wool” used in human clothing production. Imagine—-wearing the hair of another species for warmth and protection, instead of shedding one’s physical form to exist as pure energy! Let me tell you, 048, things are quite primitive down here.
As I soared over the deciduous trees native to Scotland’s temperate climes, I passed a strip of tarmac over which Earthlings pilot petroleum-fueled four-wheeled vehicles at high speeds. Targeting a few of these vehicles with my subsonic listening device and handy universal translator, I tuned in to a few chance conversations and picked up quite a humorous transmission:
(Beginning of transmission.)
Subject 1: Dude, the guidebook says that Glasgow is the techno capital of Europe.
Subject 2: Doesn’t the guidebook say that about every city we go to?
S1: I thought techno was invented in Detroit, dude.
S2: Nah, Kraftwerk invented techno in Germany, dude.
S1: Yeah, but then those dudes in Detroit perfected it. What was that guy’s name? That was techno, dude. O.G. techno.
S1: I don’t know, dude, Glasgow seems pretty techno. (7 second pause.) Will there be people at the show tonight? (9 second pause).
S2: It’s really early, but it’s really dark. (2 second pause.) How high are we, dude?
S1: I don’t know, dude, our seats are like two feet off the ground.
S2: No, dude, how high are we on the Earth?
S1: We’re two feet off the ground, dude, driving in the van, dude.
S2: No, dude, like, is Glasgow as far north as Miami, Richmond, New York, or Newfoundland?
S1: Goddammit dude, I don’t know.
(End of transmission.)
Oh, 048—-have you ever heard such a ridiculous conversation? Though mortal humans love to boast about their species’ superiority, they remain latitudinally-challenged! Though any Earthchild could calculate latitude (the N-S location of any point on what they so preciously call “Mother Earth”) by reference to the North Star, these bearded, bald adult male subjects were not even aware that Glasgow, the capital of Scotland, rests at approximately 55 degrees North—-the same latitude as Moscow, and over 10 degrees north of Montreal, Canada! I do not understand how a being could live on a planet and remain so unsophisticated. To be honest, the whole thing reminded me of the time you and 390983457897Y took me to Planet ZZZZZZZZEEDD in the XDRAEER system and we all went gringots parflaying around with that mantorin of horbinots!
Weren’t those the days?
Well, I will continue to update you on further developments in Scotland. At your convenience, transmit the go codes for the nuclear annihilation devices. I am eager to terminate this place and return home.
Yours in horbinots (ha ha!!!),