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TICKETS SLASHED 29.4 percent! Repent, sinners! Also, no late seating!

You know, we thought the razor-toothed winged-pig graphic for this year’s Capital Fringe Festival looked like some apoca-beast straight outta the Book of Revelations.

This morning at 1:30 a.m., Fringe & Purge had a nice sweat going while standing perfectly still in the Baldacchino Gypsy Tent. Today, tomorrow and Sunday, the heat index shall not just tickle the three-digit barrier, but blast right past it into the realm of inappropriate touching. Today and tomorrow, the raw temperature, before we start factoring in humidity, dew point, and distance from the nearest radio playing a L’il Wayne song, shall exceed 100 degrees Fahrenheit. If you’re a theater-lover, it sounds like a lovely weekend to go see Captain America in a cool, dark oasis near you.

And anyway, weren’t we already jawing about ticket prices at the Capital Fringe?

Well! The faceless army of suits that run this thing — actually Julianne Brienza and Katie Golden, the festival’s founding executive director and business manager, respectively — have taken arms against the sea-like air of trouble or some shit, cutting single-ticket prices for all remaining shows to $12. The new pricing took effect at 10 a.m. today. No refunds on already-purchased tickets for shows this weekend will be given. You still need that confounded button.

Fringe Box Office Manager Cory Ryan Frank notified artists producing work in the festival of the new pricing in a e-mail sent at 9:28 last night, about 20 minutes after the reduction was announced via press release.

“In anticipation of folks being worried about coming out in the heat and door sales being down this weekend, we’ve decided to offer all patrons (phone, online, at the door) a ‘Beat the Heat’ discount in hopes of continuing to fill your houses through the weekend,” Frank wrote.

Brienza rolled her eyes when Fringe & Purge approached her for comment at the Gypsy Tent last night.

“You probably think this is because of you,” she sighed.

We do not think that! All we did was report what other people were saying about the tickets, which is that they should cost $12.

Brienza said that she and Golden came to the decision to discount tickets quickly when they saw that the humidity-induced season of sorrow that descended on Tuesday — when temperatures in 17 states topped 100 degrees, and the women wailed and the children wept — was forecast to hang around at least through Sunday, when the festival closes.

Prior installments of the festival had fallen on days of triple-digit discomfort, Brienza pointed out, but never before has a days-long barrage of meteorological sadism coincided with the festival’s final week.

“We want to give people a reason to stick around and tough it out,” Brienza said.

The festival will also be making free bottled water and vitamin water available on triple-digit temperature days, which means every day for the rest of eternity.