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Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Potomac! With the current cast of characters in the White House, some District residents may feel like they’ve had their fill of reality TV drama. But with Potomac getting the green light on a second season, at least D.C. is finally shaking its reputation as the region where reality shows go to die. It remains to be seen if any in this batch of Housewives can rise to the iconic status of a Lisa Vanderpump or a Countess Luann de Lesseps, but they haven’t gone the way of the Real Housewives of D.C. just yet. Let’s see what the ladies have been up to since last season:
Gizelle has a new house, where she’s patrolling the yard with a landscaper and shrieking at gophers. She’s finding plenty of time to dish to her hairdresser about her beef with Charrisse, which I don’t remember or care about. Luckily Bravo has us covered with some footage from Watch What Happens Live, in which Gizelle blabs about Charrisse having a fireman boyfriend. Host Andy Cohen proclaims this “headline news!” Not in these times, Andy.
Charrisse is as coy as ever about the situation with her husband, former Wizards coach Eddie Jordan. He’s newly fired from his latest gig coaching basketball at Rutgers, but has decided to stay in New Jersey. Charrisse is acting pretty unfazed by the whole thing, riding on a hoverboard and announcing that her feel-good alter ego Cha Cha has fully taken over. Cha Cha previously made an appearance rapping at Charrisse’s 50th birthday party last season and is, to put it mildly, no Sasha Fierce. As part of her new attitude, Charrisse is cleaning out her closet with her Gay Best Friend
Robyn and her ex-husband/current roommate Juan have been forced to foreclose on their home and relocate to Hanover, Maryland after gobs of their money was stolen by a former friend. An onscreen graphic notes that this is 45 miles from Potomac, which is helpful for me because I never leave D.C. and Maryland is one big desolate wasteland as far as I’m concerned. Robyn asks Juan what she should do in the epic battle between Gizelle and Charrisse, to which Juan says “stay out of it,” while barely looking away from the video game he’s playing. I can’t believe the most reasonable person on this show is the dude who’s been crashing with his ex-wife for the past three years. Robyn is also doing a “slime bucket challenge” for charity, which I’m fairly certain is not a thing. That said, if this leads to Robyn playing a ditzy mom in a Nickelodeon network crossover, I’m into it.
Karen and her long-suffering husband Ray are house hunting now that their children have all left home, and Karen is looking forward to spending more time alone with her husband. Evidently part of reconnecting with Ray involves adding a “Dr.” onto her preferred title for him, so now she’s referring to him as “Dr. Black Bill Gates.” (Ray received an honorary doctorate from the University of the District of Columbia, and a very pleased Karen is going to milk this for all it’s worth.) Karen is far less pleased with the multi-million dollar home she and Ray go to see, and is especially aghast to learn that there is a bathroom adjacent to the dining room. She calls the bathroom the “poop room,” which is certainly a breach of one of Karen’s many etiquette rules.
Ashley is busy tweaking the menu at her Australian-themed restaurant, Oz, which is probably a good call considering it got a one star review from The Washington Post (and not even from Tom Sietsema). Her husband and co-owner Michael wants to keep the food authentically Australian and has very unrealistic expectations about pricing, declaring that the $22 steak is worth $70. He and Ashley have a weird standing agreement that they won’t try to have kids until the restaurant breaks even, and previously chill Michael threatens to make good on that promise. Ashley is shocked, asking, “Are you telling me that little Brady or Hawthorne Darby are going to be delayed?” Are you telling me that those are the names Ashley has picked out? Ashley is also preparing to dance in a charity event for a group called Manifest Your Destiny Foundation, which leads to the season’s first gathering of all the Housewives.
The Manifest Your Destiny shindig is taking place at The Howard Theatre, which brings some much-needed class to the proceedings. It so happens that Gizelle has previously competed in the Manifest Your Destiny competition and will be serving as a judge this year. Astoundingly, Gizelle’s dislike of Ashley doesn’t keep Gizelle from handing her a perfect 10 for her routine, and Ashley takes home the trophy. Once Ashley has been congratulated, Gizelle and Charrisse head outside for a good old fashioned alley fight, and to the surprise of no one, they do not resolve their issues. This looks to be a season-long throw down, and neither of these ladies is ready to back down. Audience surrogate Robyn wonders, “Goddamn, how are we going to move forward?”