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Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Potomac, where a total lack of memorable drama is imperiling the chances of a third season. Since nothing happened in this episode, let’s take a moment to rank the women’s title sequence catchphrases in this (probably final) season:

  1. “I may be rough around the edges, but baby, so are diamonds.” –Monique (It’s rare for a new housewife to come in with their on-air persona so completely crafted, and this is legitimately witty.)
  2. “Why cry over spilled milk when you can laugh over champagne.” –Charrisse (This one is so stupid that it borders on brilliant, plus it sets up that Charrisse is going to get crunk this season.)
  3. “Potomac put me on a pedestal, and the view is spectacular.” –Karen (This is the actual aerial view of Potomac, but we’re happy you’re happy, Karen.)
  4. “Don’t let the green eyes fool you, I’m as real as they come.” –Robyn (An important reminder that Robyn is the one with the green eyes, in case you forgot about her, which we sometimes do.)
  5. “I’ve played by Potomac rules, but now it’s time to play by my own.” Ashley (Ashley is the cutest, bounciest, sauciest housewife, so I expect better from her than this generic line.)
  6. “Word on the street is, I’m still the word on the street.” –Gizelle (Andy Cohen told her she had to do a new catchphrase for the season and all she could come up with is a rehash of the old one.)

Monique is chilling with her friend Gigi while packing for a trip.

Stephanie: Slow on the action to start. We’re literally talking about laundry schedules.

Nancy: That is a cute baby though.

S: Oh man, that baby is taking her first steps and getting distracted by mugging for the camera… born for the spotlight.

Monique claims to have been in a girl group with Gigi, but multiple web searches for “Monique Samuels (ne. Cox) Rapper New Jersey” brought us nada, though Google did, intriguingly autofill the last part to “girlfriend.” Believe us, we also scoured the internet looking for evidence of a Monique lesbian affair, and that also brought up nothing.

N: I think by “girl group” she meant participated in a high school talent show act with her BFF Gigi.

S: The third member is mysteriously blurred out. I’m dying to know who this is, and whether they were unceremoniously booted à la early Destiny’s Child.

The ladies are attending the Preakness in Baltimore. 

N: They’re treating the Preakness like the Kentucky Derby, when in reality, its an opportunity for Arlingtonians to “rough it” in Baltimore, pound Natty Bohs and act like they are at a Kid Rock Concert.

Charrisse arrives at the Preakness, rocking a very Norma Desmond look. She just wants to see the horses!

N: I gotta respect Charrisse for that, I also just want to see the horses.

Charrisse’s champagne room has a budget of $92,000.

N: I really hope that includes the champagne cost…

S: Cha Cha doesn’t need a budget. She lives by the rules of novelty posters for moms. 

Monique is out for lunch with her family, including her rude-as-hell mother-in-law, Shirley. Mrs. Samuels takes issue with the fact that Monique doesn’t have a job, Monique says her marriage isn’t perfect, and that Monique has birthed smaller babies than she has.

S: I’m actually losing track of all of Shirley’s sick burns. If the producers were smart they’d bring her on as a full-time cast member, because her pettiness is beautiful to behold.

So ends this supremely uneventful Housewives episode. Here’s hoping that next week, Shirley is in the opening credits proclaiming “Most of these ladies are big babies, and I don’t mean the kind I give birth to.”