You’ve heard the news: Washington City Paper is for sale. And while people can interpret that in a number of ways, we, the staff, are excited about the prospect of having a new owner to help continue our pursuit of great journalism. Of course, we can’t help but have a few suggestions of local millionaires, billionaires, and notables who might be interested in owning our scrappy alt-weekly. Here’s our wish list of potential City Paper buyers, with the pros and cons outlined if they are, indeed, interested. (But seriously, if you’re reading this, Michelle Obama, give us a call.)
Jeff Bezos, Founder of Amazon
Pros:
- Rich as fuck.
- Successfully increased Washington Post’s revenue stream.
Cons:
- The Post doesn’t seem to be interested in local news.
Michelle Obama, Former First Lady of the United States
Pros:
- Beloved by all.
- Really, really good at fundraising.
Cons:
- Probably not interested.
- Might move to California or New York.
D.C. Government
Pros:
- Surplus of cash.
Cons:
- Conflict of interest.
- Will probably be mismanaged, like every other department.
- Hates us.
Pros:
- Mad love for all things D.C.
- Primo ad placement for arena rock shows.
- Would finally have all the rights to Foo Fighters photos.
Cons:
- Gives “alternative” a bad name.
- He’s from Northern Virginia.
José Andrés, Chef and Restaurateur
Pros:
- Has done more philanthropy in the past month than the President of the United States has done in his entire life.
- Has a global influence but still counts the District as his home.
Cons:
- We couldn’t complain about a single tapa at Jaleo.
- Would have to start every story with “Dear People of America.”
- Would have to drink Wednesday staff beers out of porrons.
Jacqueline Mars, Heiress of Mars, Incorporated Candy Company
Pros:
- It would literally be a sweet deal.
- The future is female.
- She has about $20 billion to blow through. She just bought a pet care company in September.
- Known philanthropist.
Cons:
- She lives in Northern Virginia and might not be able to pick up a paper on Thursdays
Andy Shallal, Activist, Entrepreneur, and Proprietor of Busboys & Poets
Pros:
- Really loves getting involved in social justice endeavors.
- Community activism is part of his brand.
Cons:
- Failed 2014 mayoral bid doesn’t suggest he’s a leader who gets things done.
- “Journalists and Busboys and Poets” doesn’t really roll off the tongue.
Pros:
- The “scrappy” business model worked for Dischord Records.
- We’d get the scoop on a Fugazi reunion.
Cons:
- Not enough room at the Dischord House for a newspaper staff.
Wale, Rapper
Pros:
- Possible invitations to Maybach Music Group holiday party.
- Better distribution in Largo.
- Street cred.
Cons:
- “Washington City Paper: A Newspaper About Nothing” doesn’t quite work as a tagline.
David Brooks, New York Times columnist
Pros:
Cons:
- He is David Brooks.
Monique and Chris Samuels, Real Housewife of Potomac and former Pigskins offensive tackle, respectively
Pros:
- Monique is by far the best Potomac housewife
Cons:
- May have to revert back to using actual team name.
Charrisse Jackson Jordan, Real Housewife of Potomac, socialite, soon-to-be-ex-wife of former Wizards coach Eddie Jordan
Pros:
- Would outfit our headquarters with a champagne room, and funder Eddie Johnson probably wouldn’t even notice some missing funds.
Cons:
- All arts coverage will be about her rapping alter ego “Cha Cha.”
Ashley Boalch Darby, Real Housewife of Potomac
Pros:
- She showed up to our Best Of D.C. bash, so she supports the cause.
Cons:
- Have to finally give Oz restaurant a positive review.
- Will have to start reviewing restaurants in order to accommodate above con.
Pros:
- Loves saving national treasures like the City Paper.
- We cost a fraction of a monument.
Cons:
- Decidedly anti-tax.
David Trone, founder of Total Wine and perennial Maryland congressional candidate
Pros:
- Track record of supporting social justice causes.
- Supports paying employees more.
- Discounts on beer.
- If elected, he could make D.C. a state.
Cons:
- Lives in Maryland, might make us start covering Montgomery County.
Max Linsky, Longform.com founder and podcast co-host
Pros:
- Briefly worked at City Paper and knows the brand and its history.
Cons:
- Every story now has to be at least 10,000 words.
Laurene Powell Jobs, Billionaire, widow of Steve Jobs
Pros:
- Is already opening an Apple store and buying a stake in Monumental Sports and Entertainment. We like basketball, hockey, and computers.
- She was married to a capitalist genius but also has philanthropic tendencies.
- She’s dating former mayor Adrian Fenty, who people in D.C. still can’t stop talking about.
Cons:
- She’s seeing Adrian Fenty, who people in D.C. still can’t stop talking about.
In other news, let us help you find true love or an A+ trust this holiday season.
This post has been updated to reflect Chris Samuels’ position.