Credit: Photoshop by Stephanie Rudig

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You’ve heard the news: Washington City Paper is for sale. And while people can interpret that in a number of ways, we, the staff, are excited about the prospect of having a new owner to help continue our pursuit of great journalism. Of course, we can’t help but have a few suggestions of local millionaires, billionaires, and notables who might be interested in owning our scrappy alt-weekly. Here’s our wish list of potential City Paper buyers, with the pros and cons outlined if they are, indeed, interested. (But seriously, if you’re reading this, Michelle Obama, give us a call.)

Jeff Bezos, Founder of Amazon

Pros:

  • Rich as fuck.
  • Successfully increased Washington Post’s revenue stream.

Cons:

  • The Post doesn’t seem to be interested in local news.

Michelle Obama, Former First Lady of the United States

Pros:

  • Beloved by all.
  • Really, really good at fundraising.

Cons:

  • Probably not interested.
  • Might move to California or New York.

D.C. Government

Pros:

  • Surplus of cash.

Cons:

  • Conflict of interest.
  • Will probably be mismanaged, like every other department.
  • Hates us.

Dave Grohl, Lead singer/guitarist of the alternative rock band Foo Fighters

Pros:

  • Mad love for all things D.C.
  • Primo ad placement for arena rock shows.
  • Would finally have all the rights to Foo Fighters photos.

Cons:

  • Gives “alternative” a bad name.
  • He’s from Northern Virginia.

José Andrés, Chef and Restaurateur

Pros:

  • Has done more philanthropy in the past month than the President of the United States has done in his entire life.
  • Has a global influence but still counts the District as his home.

Cons:

  • We couldn’t complain about a single tapa at Jaleo.
  • Would have to start every story with “Dear People of America.”
  • Would have to drink Wednesday staff beers out of porrons.

Jacqueline Mars, Heiress of Mars, Incorporated Candy Company

Pros:

  • It would literally be a sweet deal.
  • The future is female.
  • She has about $20 billion to blow through. She just bought a pet care company in September.
  • Known philanthropist.

Cons:

  • She lives in Northern Virginia and might not be able to pick up a paper on Thursdays

Andy Shallal, Activist, Entrepreneur, and Proprietor of Busboys & Poets

Pros:

  • Really loves getting involved in social justice endeavors.
  • Community activism is part of his brand.

Cons:

  • Failed 2014 mayoral bid doesn’t suggest he’s a leader who gets things done.
  • “Journalists and Busboys and Poets” doesn’t really roll off the tongue.

Ian MacKaye, Co-founder of Dischord Records

Pros:

  • The “scrappy” business model worked for Dischord Records.
  • We’d get the scoop on a Fugazi reunion.

Cons:

  • Not enough room at the Dischord House for a newspaper staff.

Wale, Rapper

Pros:

  • Possible invitations to Maybach Music Group holiday party.
  • Better distribution in Largo.
  • Street cred.

Cons:

  • “Washington City Paper: A Newspaper About Nothing” doesn’t quite work as a tagline.

David Brooks, New York Times columnist

Pros:

  • Background in “journalism.”
  • Would dig our dedicated sandwichbeat.

Cons:

  • He is David Brooks.

Monique and Chris Samuels, Real Housewife of Potomac and former Pigskins offensive tackle, respectively

Pros:

  • Monique is by far the best Potomac housewife

Cons:

  • May have to revert back to using actual team name.

Charrisse Jackson Jordan, Real Housewife of Potomac, socialite, soon-to-be-ex-wife of former Wizards coach Eddie Jordan

Pros:

  • Would outfit our headquarters with a champagne room, and funder Eddie Johnson probably wouldn’t even notice some missing funds.

Cons:

  • All arts coverage will be about her rapping alter ego “Cha Cha.”

Ashley Boalch Darby, Real Housewife of Potomac

Pros:

  • She showed up to our Best Of D.C. bash, so she supports the cause.

Cons:

  • Have to finally give Oz restaurant a positive review.
  • Will have to start reviewing restaurants in order to accommodate above con.

David Rubenstein, billionaire philanthropist

Pros:

  • Loves saving national treasures like the City Paper.
  • We cost a fraction of a monument.

Cons:

  • Decidedly anti-tax.

David Trone, founder of Total Wine and perennial Maryland congressional candidate

Pros:

  • Track record of supporting social justice causes.
  • Supports paying employees more.
  • Discounts on beer.
  • If elected, he could make D.C. a state.

Cons:

  • Lives in Maryland, might make us start covering Montgomery County.

Max Linsky, Longform.com founder and podcast co-host

Pros:

  • Briefly worked at City Paper and knows the brand and its history.

Cons:

  • Every story now has to be at least 10,000 words.

Laurene Powell Jobs, Billionaire, widow of Steve Jobs

Pros:

  • Is already opening an Apple store and buying a stake in Monumental Sports and Entertainment. We like basketball, hockey, and computers.
  • She was married to a capitalist genius but also has philanthropic tendencies.
  • She’s dating former mayor Adrian Fenty, who people in D.C. still can’t stop talking about.

Cons:

  • She’s seeing Adrian Fenty, who people in D.C. still can’t stop talking about.

In other news, let us help you find true love or an A+ trust this holiday season.

This post has been updated to reflect Chris Samuels’ position.