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My wife asked me to write to you about our situation. We’ve been married for fifteen years. I am 50 years old and my wife is a decade younger. We are a heterosexual couple with kids. I am a submissive male and I like to play with my ass using different-sized dildos. I enormously enjoy being penetrated with sex toys. A few years ago I introduced the idea of a FLR—female-led relationship—to my wife and she accepted it. We are a happy couple! My wife is more on the traditional side of sex and I respect that. We have PIV sex twice a week and I try to give her pleasure as much as I can. Looks like everything is OK, right? But recently she complained that I have stopped ejaculating when we have sex. And it’s true: When we engage in vaginal penetration, I no longer ejaculate. I like it this way because I don’t lose my sex drive and I can continue. But she doesn’t like it. For her my ejaculate is the “cherry on top” of the sex and my coming during sex is important for her pleasure and satisfaction. My wife thinks that I stopped ejaculating because I developed the habit of pleasuring myself with dildos and butt plugs in the shower. She thinks the toys are distracting me. Do you think it’s true? If that’s the case, what should we do? I love my wife, but I also love my butt plugs and dildos. —Spouse Unpleased By Husband’s Un Blasts
You should come in your wife.
If your wife is in charge—you proposed a “female-led relationship” and she accepted—then she gets to give the orders and you’re supposed to do what she says, within reason, of course. So when she says, “Come in me,” you should say, “How high up your vaginal canal would you like me to come?” Even if you weren’t in a female-led relationship, SUBHUB, refusing to come in your wife when you know feeling you come inside her is important to her pleasure is a weirdly literal kind of withholding behavior. And considering how GGG your wife has been, SUBHUB, refusing to come in her so you can “continue,” presumably without her, isn’t something a loving submissive would do. It’s something a selfish asshole does.
Your wife doubtless suspects the same thing I do: You aren’t coming in her because you’d rather blow your load in the shower. She sees you when you slip out of bed to go cram sex toys in your ass and blow your load down the drain instead of finishing in her. And if that’s what you’re doing—and I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re doing—then you’re treating PIV sex with your wife as foreplay and the time you spend alone with your ass toys as the main event. If I were your wife, SUBHUB, I would find that annoying, too. And however much you love your plugs and dildos, I would hope you love your wife more. At any rate, you aren’t submissive to your plugs and dildos—you’re submissive to your wife, who isn’t made of silicone and who has needs and feelings that have to be taken into account.
At the very least, SUBHUB, your wife’s pleasure should be your first priority during PIV sex. And it’s not like you can’t combine PIV with a little butt play. You can always shove one of your beloved plugs in your ass before you have PIV sex with the wife. And if you didn’t refrain from ejaculating every single time you had PIV, SUBHUB, if it was something you were allowed to do once in a while with your wife’s permission, she might be willing to accommodate your desire every tenth time you have PIV. —Dan Savage
I am a 53-year-old guy. Since I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety all my life, I’ve never been in a situation where sex was a possibility. I’m really dying to know what it’s like. I’ve gotten much better over the years and the women who know me think the world of me. But they aren’t in a position to help me out. Other women seem to want someone much more outgoing and confident than I am or ever will be. Confidence comes from experience and I don’t have any. My one girlfriend could not hide the fact that my inexperience offended her. Other people on blogs and such have recommended a prostitute. But that’s not really what I’m looking for. It’s about more than sex. I want someone to care for me as I am. Is there hope for me? Or has the world just left me behind?—Very Inexperienced Relationship Guy In Need
I know it’s not what you want to hear, VIRGIN, but I agree with other blogs and such: I think you should find a sex worker. Find a nice, patient woman who does sex work and be completely upfront about why you’re seeing her: You’re so painfully self-conscious about your sexual inexperience you find it hard to date. It may take some searching, VIRGIN, but there are sex workers who want to help their clients grow and heal. “Many people have the stereotypical misconception that all sex workers are disconnected, uncaring, and only there for the money,” said Ruby Ryder, a sex worker and sex educator. “While money is indeed a part of it, many of us understand that human beings need touch, connection, and acceptance. We provide an opportunity for clients to be vulnerable, whether it’s fulfilling their kinky fantasies or simply having sex.” And while the relationship you have with a sex worker you might see regularly for a year or two is certainly transactional, VIRGIN, it’s still a relationship and about more than sex.
I’m not suggesting you see sex workers exclusively for the rest of your life (even if I’m not not suggesting that either), VIRGIN, I’m only suggesting you see a sex worker to find out what sex is like, gain a little self-confidence, and maybe feel a little more hopeful for your future.
Ruby Ryder is on Twitter @Ruby_Ryder and online at www.peggingparadise.com. —DS
I’m a longtime reader who’s never had a question that your archives couldn’t answer. But there is something I wanted to share with you and your readers! My wife and I have incorporated virtual reality (VR) goggles into our sex life with great success, Dan, and they could be the answer to a range of questions that you get in the column. They’re so useful, in fact, that your failure to mention them is starting to look like a glaring omission! Because let’s say someone writes in who wants to open their relationship or explore a cuckold fantasy (like one of last week’s letter writers) but they’re worried about the emotions involved, potential STIs, or COVID-19? VR goggles! While the offerings for female POV VR porn are pretty paltry, I’ve never seen my wife come harder than she did with me inside her and a pair of goggles on her face giving her the perspective of a man getting fucked by a beautiful trans woman. I love the idea that this turns her on and I actually think she looks hot with goggles on! Besides the cost of a subscription to a VR porn site, the financial barrier is really pretty low—most people can use their smartphone and a $20 headset to get started, which is much cheaper than seeing a sex worker and much less time consuming than engineering a consenting affair. And there’s no risk of STIs or COVID-19! Just wanted you to consider VR as a possibly overlooked tool for your otherwise always outstanding advice in the future! —Very Recent Purchase Optimizes Reality Nicely
Thank you for writing in, VRPORN, and you’re right: VR porn sounds like a great way for an adventurous monogamous couple to have a little virtual variety, whether that couple is monogamous by choice or monogamous for the duration of this stupid pandemic. In addition to the technology, of course, you’ll need a partner who not only knows you fantasize about other people (like they do, like everybody does), but who’s also excited about helping you explore those fantasies. Thanks again for sharing, VRPORN! —DS
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