The Iraq Study Group released its report last week elicited the same reaction as a Lindsay Lohan e-mail: This is a huge mess. Kathy Griffin, the nation turns its lonely eyes to you to make sense of it all. Speaking to Larry King, the snarky comic recounts her near-fatal plane crash in terms that sum up perfectly our current national crisis. “Turbulence isn’t the right word,” she deadpans. “The plane started plummeting.”

Tiara Girls
Monday at 10 a.m.

“I’m pretty much a life-sized Barbie doll,” boasts teen beauty pageant veteran Sabra. But after flubbing her answers to questions such as “What is your favorite thing about competing in pageants” during a practice session, scary stage mother Suzanne is worried: “Hopefully it’s just the preliminary, and you won’t be asked such tough questions.” As her Mattel-manufactured counterpart once opined: “Math is hard!”

Larry King Live
Tuesday at 9 p.m.

“I thought, I’m going to poop my pants,” explains comedienne Kathy Griffin, reliving her recent near-death experience. Given the boost that such a dramatic demise might have provided for her long-standing bid to move up to the C- or B-lists, Griffin prioritized admirably during the smoke-filled plane’s free fall: “I did have a new Chanel coat on, and I was not happy about soiling it.”

America’s Next Top Model
Wednesday at 8 p.m.
The CW

With tensions running high in the series’ finale, the catwalk turns cage match after the two finalists are pitted against each other in a ghoulish bridal show. “I want to smack CariDee across the face; I just want to nunchuck her,” fumes Melrose after her rival steps on her bridal gown during the runway challenge. “[CariDee] was the runaway bride of Chucky,” snips Miss J.

Wednesday at 10 p.m.

“Can I have that plate of pickles so I can throw it on their face?” erupts an angry diner about two unruly kids seated near him. Primetime’s crew intervenes before gherkins fly, explaining that the kids are paid actors and the man has been secretly recorded for a segment on stressful situations. But they forgot rule No. 1 of hidden-camera shows: Never get between an old man and his earlybird special. “Take your two spoiled brats and do another role somewhere else,” he snaps at the producers.

Survivor: Cook Islands
Thursday at 8 p.m.

“Now’s a key, pivotal moment, and I don’t want to feed the people that beat me,” explains Ozzy about his plan to cut rivals Parvati and Adam off from the valuable coconut supply. As the show draws to a conclusion and the cast dwindles, the Lord of the Flies strategy really kicks into high gear. But before pig heads are placed on stakes, Adam offers a quaint reason for nemesis Jonathan’s ouster. “It’s your integrity,” he explains. “You don’t have any.”