Credit: Charles Steck

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It’s a holy time of year, so Barbara Walters is on a quest to find the meaning of heaven. Frankly, it would make sense if the septuagenarian was worried that having created The View might rule out a pleasant afterlife. But the overly confident Walters has specific concerns: “Is there sex in heaven?” she queries a stunned Cardinal Theodore E. McCarrick, archbishop of Washington, D.C.

The View
Monday at 11 a.m.
ABC

“I didn’t get her bras because…it was only the hoo-hoo that was being shown,” Rosie explains about the panties she sent to a presumably chilly Britney Spears. Apparently the ladies don’t appreciate it when the term “the view” is taken literally. Guest host Sherri Shepherd steps in to defend the former Mrs. Federline’s new look: “Everybody got a little ho in them, and it’s just coming out a little bit.”

Bride Kidnapping of Kyrgyzstan
Monday at 10 p.m.
Discovery Times

“We can’t afford her hand,” explains father Jenish Saporov, “so we’re kidnapping her.” Bride kidnapping, an illegal but still popular custom in Borat-ish Krygyzstan, is less about romantic obsession than bulking up the family workforce. “My uncles want me to take a bride so she can milk cows,” shrugs groom Jamankul. Barbaric, but who doesn’t want to see a few headlocks in the wedding pages?

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Identity
Tuesday at 8 p.m.
NBC

“When I look at No. 11, I see a very open [chest], not afraid to show her body,” offers body-language expert Mark Edgar Stephens about which of the remaining individuals is a belly dancer. Indeed, on a game show that traffics heavily in stereotypes, choosing the woman whose breasts are almost fully exposed is sage advice. Luckily, contestant Robert also has expert psychologist Dr. Deborah Anderson on hand to really drive this myopic principle home: “My best advice to you is to go with your gut.”

The Real World
Wednesday at 10 p.m.
MTV

“My tolerance is so high, I can hold a lot of liquor,” boasts Jenn as the gang boards a party bus for a night on the town. Sadly, though, Jenn’s vaunted tolerance applies about as well to alcohol as it does to her roommates, as she drunkenly chews out muscular Tyrie and later spits on him. Roommate Brooke steps in to offer the type of vital insight the Real World kids are renowned for: “Jenn has a lot of work to do in figuring out what it takes to get along with other people.”

A Barbara Walters Special
Friday at 9 p.m.
ABC

When Barbara Walters seeks out the wisdom of the world’s leading religious figures, she turns to—who else?—Richard Gere. “Do you come back as someone else or something else?” she asks the Sexiest Buddhist Alive. “I’m someone else every breath,” he tells her, avoiding the inevitable follow-up: “Are you worried about coming back as a gerbil?”