City Paper is not for tourists
With New Year’s Eve memories still fresh, you might be living down an overly debauched night of celebrating. But unless the whole world is two clicks away from seeing you flashing, licking, and groping your fellow party girls in a skeezy Tampa bar, take heart and advice from someone whose resolutions are easy to predict: “This incident does not reflect who I am or who I intend to be,” says deposed Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees.
“This is the kind of thing that changes lives,” gushes Mariska Hargitay to the camera crew documenting 20-something Laura Hand’s Make-A-Wish Foundation trip to the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit set. While it is left unclear whether kidney-disease-suffering Laura’s wish was to be part of a shameless PR stunt, surely she hoped for less promo from actor Dann Florek: “You’re not a victim, but you are special.”
Breanna’s parents are desperate to replace her deadbeat boyfriend Brandon, but sadly they don’t take the time to examine whether he’s really the problem. It turns out his arrogance and cheating ways are positively quaint compared to her raging codependence. “We should get married,” Breanna eagerly suggests to Dad’s choice, Dan. And, later, to Mom-approved Josh: “Wanna make some babies?”
“[S]he figured, This got me some exposure, this will get me going,” recounts Leprechaun director Mark Jones about Jennifer Aniston’s four-leaf-clover-finding debut in the 1993 clunker about the horror of little people. But—faith and begorrah!—the role proved to be valuable training for the future Rachel’s big break starring opposite another troll. “How I felt was insecure and not good-looking,” reminisces David Schwimmer about his time at Beverly Hills High School.
“We handle all the homicides, suicides, suspicious deaths,” explains portly bride-to-be Erika about her work as a homicide detective. While putting the doughnuts on lockdown remains Erika’s priority, however, fiancé Kwyne better hope she doesn’t bag-and-tag him after hearing his charming retelling of their magic-moment story: “She dropped her [cue] stick, she bent over to get it, and I was like, ‘That’s the one.’?”
“They’re like two dogs at the Westminster Kennel show, and they start barking at each other,” weighs in astrologist Michael Lutin about the RosienDonald spat. Only days after Christmas, Lutin’s psychic powers appear to still be on holiday as he fails to offer any measurable predictions. But he continues to phone it in to an easily impressed Natalie Morales: “Jennifer Aniston’s very wounded,” he says about the Aquarian. If only she’d given the Leprechaun his gold back…