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You’re a 75-year-old, crack-dealing grandma who loves her some CHiPs, and your door’s just been busted down by Erik Estrada. Is it a dream? No, just a highlight of the week in television! Embodying America’s collective shock at the raising of the TV dead on CBS’ Armed and Famous, the cuffed granny could do no less than cackle in Estrada’s face: “This is the wrong way to have to meet you, Ponch!”
“You’re going to Hollywood!” it isn’t: “You’re the one that we want to go to Grease Academy,” blurts producer/judge David Ian in a laughable attempt to create a buzz phrase. Less funny are the aspirants’ bids to re-create the perfect Travoltan DA or Newton-Johnian poodle frizz. “I have great hair,” announces host Billy Bush—who, come to think of it, would make as good a Sandy as any.
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“Them taking their shirts off is perfect,” says single gal Jenner of her poolside date with three sexually ambiguous men, “[because] then I see who’s checking out who.” Why not just cut to the chase and make the secretly gay guy toss a ball? “Hey!” she yells at the men during a game of touch football. “He was two-hand touching, and not me!”
“I think the scariest thing I have ever seen,” says reality star-turned-aspiring Muncie, Ind., police officer Jack Osbourne, “is La Toya Jackson loading a Glock .40 6 feet away from me.” And while you can question the wisdom of Sgt. Rick Eber handing the Jackson black sheep an automatic weapon, there’s no arguing with his eye for talent: “You can’t sing and dance your way out of this one,” he tells La Toya.
“I hope one day to be able to serve my country and work in the White House,” says 26-year-old aspiring butler Brian Armstrong. And just in case Hillary brings Bill back there one day, Armstrong’s prepared for the gig: “I would need for you to be able to…crawl in the Jacuzzi with us,” a nudist client informs him.
“I’m Valerie DeLaCruz, singer-songwriter,” says the guitar-toting soccer mom, “and I welcome you to My Girlfriends Quilt, a celebration of friendship and the wonderful, special bonds that develop between women.” And if earnest renditions of “Lean on Me” and the Golden Girls theme aren’t enough to get the female bonding flowing, DeLaCruz has her own, home-sewn creation: “I have a quilt on my old queen bed/A haphazard bunch of patches,” she croons. “And each reminds me of a friend/All so different, yet not one clashes.”