Junk-TV die-hards had little to get enthused about last week, with Bravo’s low-watt Top Design looking like a major bust and the returning Real Housewives offering little but. In fact, it was the kind of week that makes leafing through a book seem almost interesting: “I’ve spent many a happy hour,” noted the History Channel’s Carol Berkin, “reading about family incest.”
“A year ago, I was getting ready, dressed in lingerie, to attend a Playboy mansion party,” says Lauri, reflecting on life before her GOP fiancé. “Now [I’m] getting ready to attend a Republican party. What a difference a year makes!” And how better to celebrate than to spring your kid from juvey? “I was able to get Josh out on a 12-hour pass!” celebrates the twice-divorced mom.
“Your celebrity mystery client has a hectic and stressful life,” says host Todd Oldham to the crop of would-be interior designers. “So their request is [that you] build an inner sanctum…that will help them escape, unwind, and relax.” After all, it’s hard work being a “celebrity” no one recognizes: “How did they get Iggy Pop in drag?” asks one contestant upon meeting the transgendered Alexis Arquette.
“What are your priorities?” asks the Rev. Pat Robertson. “Is it making money?” Because, if it is, boy, have you come to the right place! “The signs from Main Street to Wall Street,” gushes correspondent John Jessup, “show the economy is purring like a hot rod engine!”
“Is everybody ready to discharge some firearms?” bellows gunslinger Rocco to his cowering city slickers/aspiring cowpokes. And hey, if SMU won’t take Dubya’s library, betcha Cowboy U will: “History has proven at Cowboy U,” notes Rocco thoughtfully, “[that] it’s never the most obvious people who win.”
There are some invitations you just can’t refuse: “Would you like to go to South Central Los Angeles?” Cesar Millan asks Nasir, Patti LaBelle’s fierce and fearsome Boerboel. And while the massive pooch gets a new lease on life at Millan’s Dog Psychology Center, Lady Marmalade herself looks ready to be retired: “There’s so many options,” Millan assures her, “before we think about euthanasia.”