City Paper is not for tourists
Television once again got the chance to act out its grieving process the only way it knows how: showing interviews with persons vaguely connected to the recently departed! How does Anna Nicole Smith’s third-grade teacher feel about her death? How is her dry cleaner coping? And then there was Anna’s bereaved younger sister, who bravely stepped forward to pay tribute to her fallen sib by sharing with Larry King excerpts from her forthcoming book, Train Wreck: Anna Nicole Unauthorized.
“[You’re the] future of Playboy,” a horny Spencer marvels to a couple of buxom beauties he’s learned are in town for their photo shoot. Ever the stickler, one bunny sets him straight: “It hasn’t come out yet, so we’re up-and-coming.” Thankfully, a disagreement over semantics—so endemic to Los Angeles nightclubs—is averted by on-the-fly diplomacy. “Next time I come back here, we’ll do a naked picnic,” she offers. Are you listening, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?
Suffering a self-proclaimed bad case of the Travoltas, Oprah grants a bevy of Barbarino fans an audience with their idol. “I even dressed [my husband] up as you for Halloween,” a twitchy, middle-aged housewife blurts at L. Ron Hubbard’s favorite Sweathog. But an even better way to tell your husband You’re Not the One That I Want? Scream out: “Now I can die a happy woman,” after getting a kiss from the man who set the standard by which all future Zukos will be judged.
“Is anyone else deeply depressed from [Michael’s design]?” queries judge Jonathan Adler after viewing the young decorator’s attempt at a child’s bedroom/mausoleum. Adler’s gloom is shared by fellow judge Kelly Wearstler, who seizes the opportunity to remind the home viewer that it’s time for another trip to see Grandma. “When I first saw the room, I thought I walked into an assisted-living facility,” she sniffs.
Doug Savant makes bath fizzies with Martha. “My stomach’s just fine, so I’m going to pass on chamomile,” aspiring pizzamaker informs her while picking out an appropriate scented oil. Savant then forgets that sexy innuendo is best left to his co-stars. “I had rosemary once,” he snickers. “She was terrific.”
“I’m not really shocked because of her lifestyle and everything,” Donna Hogan explains sympathetically about her big sister’s timely demise. “Are you surmising that it was drug-related?” the King of the obvious prods her. Hogan offers the kind of insight only family can provide: “That would be my first guess.”