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I am a recently married 30-year-old straight guy. My wife is great, and in fact, I have a baby on the way. My relationship with my wife is a good one. We married for all the right reasons after a long “courtship.” My problem lies with my addiction, if you will, to receiving head from a particular male. He performs his work with a level of skill that no one has ever matched. My cock is above-average in size, closing in on 10 inches. The guy performs wonders; it’s mind-boggling. As much as I would like to quit this activity, it is just so good that I can’t. I don’t go around looking for others. I have an exclusive arrangement with him. I walk in, unzip, get off, and go. My wife doesn’t like to perform oral sex, and when she does, she won’t really take more than the tip. In fact, I have never met a woman who can perform as well as this guy.
Tell me, am I laying the groundwork for ruining my marriage and family? It is understood with this guy that this is a private thing between us, no one knows, and I trust him on this. I’ve been seeing him for this service, and only this, for a few years now. But since I married, I’m struggling with my needs. Give me your thoughts, Dan.
—Deep Dickin’ Dude
As much as I hate to come between a gay brother and closing-in-on-10-inches of straight cock, DDD, you must stop seeing this wonder-performing, mind-boggling cumdump. I admire your finely honed sense of right and wrong, to say nothing of your ability to accept blowjobs from a dude while still identifying as straight (seriously—I do admire that), but your myopia on one aspect of this arrangement seems, well, I’ll be charitable and say thoughtless. Two more drinks and I’d be calling your myopia willful and you dishonest.
Surely, DDD, you realize that while you enjoy an exclusive arrangement with him, it’s highly unlikely that he enjoys an exclusive arrangement with you. The kind of gay man who gets off on orally servicing a straight man—the straight guy walks in, unzips, gets off, and goes, no reciprocation, no American Idol gossip (Sanjaya? Pro? Con?)—typically doesn’t limit himself to one frustrated, head-deprived straight man. You’re probably just one of the many men your cumdump currently services.
Which means, DDD, that every time you get a blowjob from this guy, you’re placing your wife—your pregnant wife—at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about scary ol’ HIV; blowjob-giver to blowjob-receiver transmission of HIV is practically unheard of. What we do hear about, however, and what you should be concerned with is, oh, oral gonorrhea, oral syphilis, herpes, and, of course, cooties. And guess what? Not only are you placing your wife at risk of contracting an STI, DDD, you’re also placing your unborn child at risk. Didja know that syphilis can work its way through the placenta and infect a fetus? You do now. Explaining an acquired-outside-the-relationship STI to the wife is never fun. Explaining a baby born with syphilis—and, oh, blind and brain-damaged—to the wife is, well, I don’t know what it is. Except for something you want to avoid at all costs—including the cost of those spectacular blowjobs.
Got a question about blowjob etiquette.I’m a straight woman, 23 years old. I used to love giving blowjobs. I gave them to my ex-boyfriend, “Peter,” often and joyfully. He was appreciative. After we broke up, I started dating “Paul.” I assumed my love of fellatio would continue. But the first time I went down on Paul, I got the sense he was holding back his orgasm. While this is a great attribute during intercourse, I hated it when giving him a blowjob. He would often go limp halfway through! I kept going with my usual vigor, aiming toward his having an orgasm, which he held back for 45 minutes! I was angry afterward because I felt he hadn’t been a good partner. Just laying back forever letting me work my jaw, tongue, and mouth until they just about fell off?!
Even after we talked about this, he continued this behavior, which made me want to stop giving blowjobs at all. Eventually we broke up, albeit after two years, but since then I haven’t been able to rekindle my love of giving blowjobs. I’m afraid I’ll wind up with another Paul and not a Peter. Is it too much for me to ask that the guy I’m going down on pops in a reasonable amount of time? Or am I expecting too much?
—Having a Cock Block
Blowjobs are hard work, as you know, and it’s inconsiderate for a dude to draw one out endlessly. So no, HACB, you have a right to expect a guy to come in a reasonable amount of time, and a guy who holds back and fights off his orgasm is being selfish and inconsiderate.
But is that what Paul was doing?
If those blowjobs went on so long that Paul lost his erection, it seems unlikely that he was maliciously prioritizing his pleasure at the expense of your comfort. Perhaps Paul simply can’t come from oral sex alone? Some men can’t, HACB, and they often worry that they’ll be seen as freaks. Straight men are supposed to value blowjobs above all else, we’re told, and consequently, guys who can’t come from head alone are often shy about saying so. So they’ll just hang in there in hopes that they’ll eventually come.
When Paul’s endurance pushed you out of the comfort zone—after, say, 20 minutes—you had a right to say something like, “If you don’t dig/can’t come from oral sex, that’s cool.” If he asked you to continue, and 10 more minutes went by and he still wasn’t able to come, you had a right to say, “Honey, my jaw’s falling off. Let’s fuck/masturbate/shower/sleep/subpoena Karl Rove instead.”
Finally, HACB, maybe it was your technique? Lots of straight guys are so thankful to be getting head at all—particularly from a woman who’s enthusiastic about it—that they worry they’ll look like ingrates if they say anything that might be construed as critical of the woman’s technique. It never hurts to ask someone, “Hey, anything I can do to help get you there?” Say it with a smile on your face, not a look of annoyance. Maybe all Paul needed was a finger in his ass and the opportunity to request it.
My boyfriend and I are both trans men. Until me, he had only been with non-trans guys, that is, guys with erectable penises. I had been with other trans men, and women. I am used to cunts and like the ins and outs of them, the taste, the smell, and everything that comes with them. Especially ones enhanced with testosterone. I do not think my cunt is special in any regard, but he claims to smell a pungent funk. I have never had complaints from any other lovers. His distaste for my cunt means I never get oral, and barely ever get fucked by his hands and toys. I now wash before he touches me, but that doesn’t seem to help much either. Do you think we are doomed?
—Nothing’s Wrong With Natural Scents
Dan Savage’s new book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family, is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to email@example.com. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.