I’m a 29-year-old married man. My wife and I are both active people (rock climbing, cycling, and kayaking), and our sex life is good. However, since high school I’ve been turned on by thick, big-butt, big-tit, ugly, trashy girls. In my 20s, I would secretly go to bars in the suburbs to pick up these thick, ugly girls. But I’ve only ever been in relationships with fit, attractive, intellectual girls. I’m married to one, and I’m madly in love with her. I’ve been able to repress my desires for the past three years, hoping that I’d become sexually attracted to my wife. Unfortunately, it’s now clear that fat, ugly, hick girls are what turn my crank—but I could never be in a relationship with one of these girls. Quite frankly, these girls are of no interest to me outside of my sexual desires. What should I do?—Big and Trashy Lover
Sometimes I don’t even know where to begin.
But, fuck, might as well start with the truth: Do you know why you dismiss the girls you find attractive—girls who are not, by your dick’s definition, unattractive in the least—as “ugly, trashy girls,” “thick, ugly girls,” “fat, ugly, hick girls,” etc.? For the same reason, BATL, that you’ve ruled out the possibility of ever having a relationship with a fat girl: You’re a cowardly, hateful piece of shit.
That’s unkind, of course, just like describing all fat girls as “ugly” or suggesting that women can be intelligent or heavy but never both. So here’s a kindler, gentler take: A long, long time ago you internalized our culture’s anti-fat prejudice. We all do, of course, to greater or lesser extents. But when you hit puberty, BATL, your sexual tastes brought you into conflict with those anti-fat prejudices. At that moment, BATL, you had an obligation to yourself and to your future sex partners to overcome your prejudices. Instead, disgusted by your desires, you projected your disgust and anger onto the women you want to fuck. Terrified of the shame and judgment that would come your way if you had a relationship with a big woman, you convinced yourself that all big women are thick, stupid trash. A big woman might be worth fucking, you concluded, but she could never be worthy of love.
So what do you do now, BATL? Well, you either stay with the skinny woman you married—a woman who will never satisfy you sexually—or you divorce her and find yourself a big girl, a woman who’s active and intelligent, a woman you could love madly and wanna fuck, er, badly. But you know what? That woman deserves better than you.—Dan
I’m a 34-year-old guy with a kink that my last boyfriend indulged to the limit. We met on a Web site for guys like us. Nope, it’s not poo-eating, but the kink is irrelevant to my problem. I moved across the country after my ex and I split and the hit count on my beloved fetish sites in my new area is a big fat zero. Along comes Mr. Pretty Good. I told him about the fetish, and he wants to be GGG, but it’s going to take a while to get there. Meanwhile, my dick is not getting hard for this guy. I like him! He likes me! Why can’t I get hard for him? Can I get ex-fetishized?—This Boy Has Needs
Ladies and gentleman, I welcome letters about your problematic fantasies and fetishes—of course—but I do need to know what the fuck they are if I’m gonna help. People send me letters like this one from TBHN all the time; they lay out the problem in detail but delicately omit their kink. Strangely enough, everyone who does this then assures me that their fetish isn’t poop. That’s not the first thing I think of when people mention problematic fetishes, but it seems to be the first thing people think I think of. And I’m not sure what to think of that.
Anyway, I wrote to TBHN and told him as much, and he wrote back with the gruesome details:
OK, fuck it, here’s my freak flag: I like fat guys who love to eat. I only go for healthy fat guys (yes, shut up), guys with a muscle or two to show off along with their “table muscle” and who balance their weight with their long-term health. I’m an ethical encourager, dammit! But, man, give me Frank Bruni on all fours eating gourmet meals from a trough with his ass in the air!
My new boyfriend is stocky enough for me, and he lets me watch him eat dessert now and then. But he really doesn’t want to get on all fours and eat from a trough while I fuck him, like the hot ex did. How come I can’t get it up for him?—This Boy Has Needs
Whoa. When you mentioned Frank Bruni on all fours with his face in a trough and his ass in the air, TBHN, I thought you were trying to be funny. But, uh, no… that’s the scenario you want your new boyfriend to act out. I can’t imagine why he needs some time to work up to that.
No wait, I can: Because that’s not something a guy will do for someone with whom he’s not completely and madly in love. It can be difficult for hardcore fetishists to go back to vanilla after being with someone whose interests matched their own. But you have to think strategically here, TBHN. Guys into feeding at troughs are pretty rare, I’m not sorry to say, so your options are pretty limited. If this guy is willing to be GGG and go there for you eventually, you’re going to have to be GGG yourself. Will yourself to enjoy vanilla for now, fantasizing all the while about whatever you need to. (But leave poor Frank Bruni out of it, OK?) Please him, TBHN, and one day Mr. Pretty Good will think of England, or whatever he needs to do, as he plants his face in a trough to please you.—Dan
I am a 23-year-old female. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years, and our sex life has gone downhill. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been turned on by watching fat people eat. I do not want to have sex with a fat person—my boyfriend is quite physically fit—I just like to watch fat people gorge themselves. I think having some bedroom materials along these lines would really heat things up. My two questions: (1) How can I break the news to my boyfriend about my turn-on without him thinking I’m a big freak? (2) Is there such a thing as feeder porn? Where there is no sex, just obese gluttons gorging themselves? And where can I find it?
My two answers: (1) You can’t break the news without your boyfriend concluding that you’re a freak, VF, because you are a freak. He won’t be able to accept your freakiness if you can’t at least cop to it. (2) I’m sure there’s hot feeder porn out there, VF, but why pay for it? You can see plenty of hot feeder action—live and uncensored!—for free at McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Cinnabon, Claim Jumper, etc., etc., etc., every damn day.—Dan Savage