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I’m a 28-year-old straight guy. My fetishes include getting laid and playing with boobs. Pretty vanilla. But when I masturbate, I can only bring myself to climax by dry-humping something: a pillow, the mattress, rolled-up comforter, whatever. I’ve never been able to masturbate “normally”—and not for lack of trying. But unless I’m rubbin’ it against something, I just can’t finish. I can and do blow from sex, head, and hand jobs from women, but that’s obviously when other people are involved.
Now, I’m happy to spend the rest of my life humping the sofa. My concern is this: Am I slowly ruining my cock? If I’m pounding a sofa while other guys are going at it with soft and oily hands, then I may be doing some damage down there, right? Over time, can I expect that this practice will result in a loss of sensitivity, or God forbid, an inability to perform?
—Look Ma, No Hands
At 28-years-old, LMNH, you’ve been masturbating for how long now? Fifteen years? More? If humping a sofa hasn’t ruined you already—if you can still come during vaginal and oral sex, and when you get hand jobs from other people—then you’re obviously not doing yourself any harm.
If you’re concerned about the intensity with which you have to bang away at any given sofa in order to get off when you’re alone, LMNH, you could experiment with edging. Bring yourself to the brink again and again, and gradually decrease the intensity of the stimulation as you proceed. Start out humping the couch across the room, but work toward barely grazing the couch with your cock. This isn’t about retraining your cock or undoing any damage—I don’t think you’ve done yourself any damage. It’s about reassuring yourself that, yes indeed, you can come from stimulation that varies from intense to subtle.
And those folks doing it with fists? Not all of them are doing it “soft and oily.” Some men who masturbate “normally” do themselves lasting damage by gripping themselves too firmly, aka “the death grip.” Varying your masturbatory routine is a good idea whether you’re using your fist or
Hear me out. You’ve pushed the idea that everyone must be GGG, or “good, giving, and game,” and that people in relationships must be sluts for each other, and that women must perform oral sex. I agree that sexual satisfaction for both parties in a relationship is important. I think that is what you are trying to express. But that is not the message straight men are hearing. Straight men are hearing that they are entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it, whether the women they’re with like it or not. And any woman who objects is a horrible person.
Please set the record straight! A clarification from you is long overdue. Please let straight men know that women don’t owe them anything. Men don’t owe women anything. When a man wants something from a woman, it’s her choice to give it. It’s not her duty. And you have to be a decent person to earn it!
—Please Say This
First off, PST, while it’s true that I’ve “pushed the idea” that women must perform oral sex, I’ve also pushed the idea that men must as well. “Oral sex is standard,” I wrote. “Any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot.” That applies equally to both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation.
As for GGG, perhaps a clarification is in order. ExtraUgly.com is selling “Good Giving Game Girl” T-shirts, and their Web site defines GGG as “the three key attributes of a good, freaky sex partner. As promoted by Savage Love. Buy it for all yo favorite ho’s.”
Memo to ExtraUgly.com: GGG isn’t just for girls, and being GGG doesn’t make someone yo ho. Boys who are virgins on their wedding nights can be GGG and so can girls uploading amateur ATM porn from their dorm rooms. Here’s what I wrote when I first coined GGG: “‘Good, giving, and game’ is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners, as in, ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.’” (Please note that “within reason,” selfish, demanding kinksters.) GGG is something straight women, straight men, lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, MTFs, FTMs, etc., should all strive to be.
Where we part ways, PST, is the “owe” issue. I happen to believe that we owe our sex partners a few things. Good personal hygiene, for starters, followed by a sense of humor, a willingness to meet our lovers’ needs, and cleanish sheets. And someone who’s unwilling or incapable of meeting a partner’s needs owes ’em permission to get those needs met elsewhere—safely and responsibly, within reason, and on a budget.
But these are merely my secrets for a happy, fulfilling, lasting relationship. Folks who prefer stressful, aggravating, short-lived relationships—ones characterized by shouts of “I don’t owe you anything!”—are free to disregard my advice.—Dan
What’s a good response to the extremely trite, clichéd statement “I’m not good at commitment”?
—Sick of Male Commitment Phobes
“Commit to pulling your dick out of me, then commit to getting the fuck out of my apartment.”—Dan
I’m a 24-year-old female, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost five years. We’re transitioning to a long-distance relationship in January when he moves a hojillion miles away to go to law school. He’s 28, an angel, and I want to have a baby. He doesn’t want to have a baby, at least not in the foreseeable future, and he’s made it clear that if I give him an ultimatum, he’ll dump my ass. I’m longing to spawn, so I’ve decided to get pregnant by him and not tell him. He has nothing to do with birth control, never has, so my plan will succeed. I’m going to do this: That’s not in question.
The question is, do I tell him? I’m not going to dun him for child support or anything, but I’d let him be as involved as he wants to be—pictures, visits, moving in together to raise the kid. I’m never going to tell him that I got knocked up on purpose. I could also theoretically pretend that the brat is someone else’s, but that would require some fudging of dates. So what, if anything, do I tell him, and when?
Thanks, love your brain.—E.
Thanks for loving my brain, E., but I’m hating your ass.
Not only is what you’re planning to do unfair to your boyfriend—who, just like a woman, has a right to decide when, whether, and with whom he would like to reproduce (and who, like most men, needs to be more proactive about birth control to protect his right to make that decision)—it’s hugely unfair to any “brat” unlucky enough to drop from your twat.
But, hey, your mind is made up—you’re doing this thing. And I’m not running your letter to argue with you, E. I’m only running it in hopes that a certain 28-year-old who’s about to go to law school a hojillion miles away from his 24-year-old batshitcrazy girlfriend sees it, recognizes himself, and dumps the lying little sociopath.
And yes, everybody, I realize this letter could be fake. But just in case it’s not, here it is.
Dan Savage’s most recent book, The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage,and My Family, is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to email@example.com. A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.