Is there anything worse that could ever even possibly ever happen than finding out the boy you’re dating, the boy you’re planning on losing your virginity to in the limo after Junior Prom, is a homo-gay-guy- queer-bait? No, there is not. It is the worst thing that can ever even happen. Ever. All your hopes, all your plans, all your dreams destroyed in that soul-crushing moment when you find a stack of crinkly International Male undergear catalogs stuck between his mattress and box spring, or walk in on him and his “best friend” in his “family room” busily “making out” on “the couch.” It’s worse than thin, lifeless hair; worse than an unplanned pregnancy; even worse than bulimia-induced tooth decay—and you know how bad that is!

Well, it doesn’t have to happen to you! You don’t have to be some closeted high-school boy’s cover—his “beard,” as “gay people” like to say. Don’t let yourself get sucked in, not even by an expert—take our quiz and find out if your b-friend is a ka-weer. If he is, drop him and find a new boyfriend! The all-man b-friend you deserve!

Check the answer that best describes your b-friend.

1. Your b-friend’s favorite extracurricular activity is:

A.Football

B.Basketball

C.Swimming

D.Wrestling

2. When your class went to New York City on the Senior Trip, your b-friend wanted to see:

A.Yankee Stadium

B.The Brooklyn Bridge

C.MOMA

D.Sunset Boulevard

3. When the school cafeteria serves pizza, your b-friend:

A.Sneaks back into line for another helping!

B.Embarrasses you by geekily eating his pizza with a knife and fork.

C.Brings a Caesar salad from home.

D.Asks for sun-dried tomatoes, gorgonzola, and prosciutto on his slice. Pouts when he realizes pizza does not have a cornmeal crust.

4. Your b-friend is in the:

A.Math Club

B.French Club

C.Drama Club

D.Bathroom a lot

5. Your b-friend’s favorite subject is:

A.P.E.

B.Shop

C.English

D.P.E.

6. When you go to the mall, your b-friend:

A.Makes a pig of himself at Cinnabun.

B.Plays “Mortal Kombat” at Aladdin’s Castle.

C.Helps you shop for shoes.

D.Heads straight for the Clinique counter.

7. At a used record store, your b-friend sees these four CDs. Which one does he buy?

A.Guns N’ Roses

B.Public Enemy

C.Nirvana

D.Liza Minnelli Live From Carnegie Hall

8. Your b-friend has tried:

A.Heroin

B.Out for the spring musical

C.Crystal meth

D.To commit suicide

8. Finish this sentence: My b-friend…

A.has a really cool car.

B.hasn’t hit me for weeks.

C.hasn’t hit on me for weeks.

D.has good taste, personal hygiene, and abs.

10. My b-friend is always complimenting my…

A.slim, boyish figure.

B.short, boyish hair.

C.flat, boyish chest.

D.firm, boyish buttocks.

Scoring: Every A answer is worth 5 points. Every B answer is worth 10 points. Every C answer is worth 15 points. Every D answer is worth 20 points.

1-10: No worries! Except for a little homosex play with his friends in grade school, your b-friend is as straight as they come! Probably straighter! Unfortunately, he will have a problem with premature ejaculation all his life.

10-25: Your b-friend is mostly heterosexual, but has some bisexual impulses or fantasies he will eventually have to act on. Short-term prospects look good, but he’s likely to hire a male prostitute on a business trip to Cincinnati when he’s in his late 40s, because he’s “always been a bit curious.” At that point, you can divorce him, even if he has been a good provider.

25-75: Mostly gay, with some heterosexual impulses or fantasies. Can probably get it up for you, but will be thinking about Brad Pitt the whole time. Will come out of the closet in college after sleeping with his psych T.A.

Over 75: Do you know where your b-friend is right now? He’s in his bedroom listening to Eydie Gorme, that’s where he is. He’s dancing around in his underwear, lip-syncing. When he gets dressed, he’s going to go to the mall and hang out by the men’s washroom on the second floor until a married man (see above) comes along and picks him up and takes him to a Red Lion to “watch a movie” and “have something to eat.” What ever made you think he was straight?

Reprinted from The Stranger.