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If Washingtonians have learned anything during the past decade, it’s that nothing in District life is certain except death and taxes. D.C. may have surrendered its title of “Murder Capital, U.S.A.” to New Orleans, but rest assured that Mayor Marion Barry and his colleagues haven’t lost their skill at lightening wallets. Anybody who’s ever lived or done business here can testify that nothing—and we mean nothing—escapes the watchful eyes of the District tax man. Get your palm read, buy a salami, give a lecture, take a bride, or kick the bucket—the District grabs a piece of the action. (You think those free matches are free? The D.C. Treasurer doesn’t.)

The idiosyncrasy of the District levies is surpassed only by their breadth. A search of the D.C. code and municipal regulations turned up 116 separate taxes and fees, and that doesn’t include a myriad of subcategories. Relax, open your checkbook, and count the ways in which you render unto Marion.

The List:

Abattoir license fee

Accountant license fee

Alcoholic beverage tax

Ambulance license fee

Amusement places license fee

Apartment house license fee

Arena tax

Athletic exhibitions and grounds license fee

Auctioneer license fee

Auto rental fee

Bakery license fee

Barbershop license fee

Baseball game license fee

Bathing house license fee

Beauty parlor license fee

Billiard and pool table, bowling alley license fee

Boarding house license fee

Bottling establishment license fee

Candy manufacturer license fee

Carnival license fee

Cigarette tax

Circus license fee

Clairvoyant license fee

Closing out and damaged goods sale license fee

Club license fee

Coin-operated device license fee

Concert license fee

Commission merchants in food license fee

Convalescent home license fee

Cooperative association license fee

Corporate and franchise tax

Cosmetology school license fee

Dairy license fee

Dance license fee

Deed recordation and transfer tax

Delicatessen license fee

Detective license fee

Dry cleaning and dyeing establishment license fee

Economic interest tax

Elevator license fee

Employment parking space fee

Estate tax

Explosives fee

Fair license fee

Fireworks fee

Food dealer license fee

Football game license fee

Frozen dessert manufacturers license fee

Funeral directors and embalmers license fee

Garage license fee

Gasoline, kerosene, and oil fees

General sales tax

Grocery store license fee

Guide license fee

Health care provider fee

Hearing aid dealer license fee

Hearse license fee

Home improvement contractor license fee

Hotels, inns, and other transient lodging places license fee

Hotel occupancy tax

Ice-cream manufacturer license fee

Individual income tax

Insurance agent, broker, and solicitor license fee

Insurance gross premium tax

Laundry license fee

Lecture license fee

Livery stable license fee

Loan broker license fee

Marriage license and related fees

Massage establishments; Turkish, Russian, or medicated baths license fee

Mattress manufacturing, renovating, sale, and storage license fee

Milk and milk products fee

Money collectors license fee

Motion picture license fee

Motor fuel tax

Motor vehicle dealer license fee

Motor vehicle driving schools license fee

Motor vehicle excise tax

Motor vehicle registration fee

Motor vehicle rental fee

Motor vehicle repossessor license fee

Newspaper vending rack fee

Painting and lacquer proxylin storage fee

Parking establishments license fee

Parking lots attendant fee

Pawnbroker license fee

Personal property tax

Pesticide fee

Petroleum storage fee

Pet shop license fee

Pharmacist and pharmacy license fee

Photographer license fee

Public scales license fee

Public utility gross receipts tax

Real estate broker license fee

Real property tax

Rooming and boarding house license fee

Restaurant license fee

Sales finance company license fee

Second-hand merchandise dealer license fee

Shooting gallery license fee

Skating rink license fee

Slot machine license fee

Solicitor license fee

Solid waste collection fee

Solvent fee

Storage tank license fee

Swimming pool license fee

Taxicab license fee

Theater license fee

Tire recycling fee

Toll telecommunications gross receipts tax

Tow truck license fee

Transporter of hazardous materials license fee

Vendor license fee

Weapons dealer license fee

Profiles in Avarice: Taxes, Annotated

Abattoir license fee: Owners or proprietors of abattoirs or slaughterhouses, by whatsoever name called, shall pay a license fee of $100 per annum.

Alcoholic beverage tax: There shall be levied, collected, and paid on all of the following named beverages manufactured by a holder of a manufacturer’s license and on all of the said beverages imposted or brought into the District by a holder of a wholesaler’s license, except beverages as may be sold to a dealer licensed under the laws of any state or territory of the United States and not licensed under the chapter, and on all beverages imported or brought into the license in the manner hereinafter provided:

(1) A tax of $.30 on every wine-gallon of wine containing more than 14 per centum or less of alcohol by volume, other than champagne, sparkling wine, and any wine artificially carbonated, and a proportionate tax at a like rate on all fractional parts of such gallon….

Athletic exhibitions and grounds license fee: Baseball, football, and athletic competition owners or managers of grounds used for baseball, football, or other athletic exhibitions to which an admission fee is charged directly or indirectly, shall pay a license fee of $17 per annum.

Billiard and pool table, bowling alley license fee: Owners or managers of establishments where bowling alleys, billiard or pool tables, or any table or alley upon which legitimate games are played shall, where they are operated or conducted for public use, or for profit, or gain, pay a license tax of $39 per annum for each such alley, board, or table.

Carnival license fee: Owners or managers of carnivals or fairs by whatsoever name called conducted for profit or gain and not held in any building or structure licensed under this chapter shall pay a license fee of $158 per day.

Clairvoyant license fee: Mediums, clairvoyants, soothsayers, fortune-tellers, palmists, phrenologists, by whatsoever name called, conducting business for profit or gain directly or indirectly, shall pay a license tax of $550 per annum.

Corporate and franchise tax: Except as exempted under Subchapter II, for the privilege of carrying on or engaging in any trade or business within the District and of receiving income from the sources within the District, there is levied:

(1) For the taxable years beginning after December 31, 1975, a tax at the rate of 9 per centum upon the taxable income of every corporation, whether domestic or foreign, except that effective October 1, 1984, the rate of tax shall be 10 per centum upon the taxable income for any taxable period….

Employment parking space fee: Effective March 22, 1995, a $20 per month fee is imposed upon each “employment parking space” located within the District.

General sales tax: A tax is imposed upon all vendors for the privilege of selling at retail certain tangible personal property and for the privilege of selling certain selected services (defined as “retail sales” in this chapter). The rate of such tax shall be 6 per centum of the gross receipts from the sales of or charges for such tangible personal property and services….

Book matches: The gross receipts from the sale of book matches to be used or consumed for any purpose other than resale shall be subject to the tax including gross receipts from the sales of book matches where the matches are given free of charge with cigars, cigarettes, or other tobacco products….

Morticians: Receipts from sales of tangible personal property by morticians such as caskets, appurtenances, grave vaults, and clothing shall be subject to the tax, even though personal services (such as embalming and providing delivery services and other equipment in conducting funerals) are rendered in connection with the sale of these items….

Receipts from the sale of the following appliances are taxable regardless of the conditions of design or construction (the list is not all-inclusive, and the taxability of any item not appearing on the list should be determined by reference to the other provisions of this section or by comparison to the listed items):

(a) Abdominal supports, kidney supports, and uterine supports;

(b) Obesity supports, maternity supports, and postoperative supports;

(c) Trusses, athletic supporters, suspensories, and thumb protectors;

(d) Surgical shoes

(e) Elastic goods, such as stockings, thigh pieces, leggings, elbow caps, knee caps, wristlets, anklets, arch supports, or bandages;

(f) Ear correction caps;

(g) Eye shades and shields

(h) Mouth breathing prevention devices

(i) Artificial breasts

Guide license fee: No person shall for hire guide or escort any person through or about the District of Columbia, or any part thereof, unless he shall have first secured a license to do so. The fee for such a license is $28 per annum.

Ice-cream manufacturer license fee: Owners or managers of ice-cream manufacturing establishments shall pay a license fee of $1,050 per annum.

Marriage license and related fees: For each marriage license, the fee shall be $2; for each certified copy of a marriage license return, the fee shall be $1; for each certified copy of an application for marriage license the fee shall be $1; and for registering authorizations to perform marriages and issuing certificate, the fee shall be $1.

Massage establishments; Turkish, Russian, or medicated bath license fee: Owners or managers of massage establishments and Turkish, Russian, or medicated baths shall pay a license fee of $300 per annum.

Mattress manufacturing, renovating, sale, and storage license fee:

(a) Persons engaged in the business of manufacturing or renovating mattresses shall pay a license fee of $238 per annum.

(b) Owners or managers of establishments where mattresses are stored, sold, or kept for sale shall pay a license fee of $17 per annum.

(c) Within the meaning of this section “mattress” shall be deemed to include any quilt, comforter, pad, pillow, cushion, or bag stuffed with hair, down, feathers, wool, cotton, excelsior, jute, or any other soft material and designed for sleeping or reclining purposes.

Motion picture license fee: Owners or managers of theaters in which moving pictures are displayed, for profit or gain, shall pay a license fee of $415 per annum.

Shooting gallery license fee: Owners or managers of shooting galleries shall pay a license fee of $10 per annum.

Solicitor license fee: Solicitors shall pay a license fee of $158 per annum. Any person who goes from house to house, or place to place, within the District of Columbia, selling or taking orders for, or offering to sell or take orders for goods, wares, merchandise, or any article or thing of value for future delivery or for service to be performed in the future or for the making, manufacturing or repairing of any article or thing whatsoever for future delivery, and requiring or accepting a deposit for such future delivery or service, shall be deemed to be a “Solicitor,” within the meaning of this section.

Vendor license fee: Persons licensed under this section shall be vendors designated and required to pay a license fee, as follows:

(1) Class A—for people who vend food from public space, but not from door to door, $130 per annum.

(2) Class A Temporary—for people who vend food from public space, but not from door to door, for a period of not more than 5 days, $55 per period.

(3) Class B—for people who vend merchandise other than food from public spaces, but not from door to door, $106 per annum.

(4) Class B Temporary—for people who vend merchandise other than food from public spaces, but not from door to door, for a period of not more than 5 days, $43 per period.

Compiled by Paul Coleman, Alex Ferreíra, Rhonda Henderson, Sridhar Pappu, David Plotz, and Megan Reilly