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Poor George Washington University (GWU). For the past two weeks, sportswriters and editorialists nationwide have been lambasting the school for its recruitment of Richie Parker, a New York high-school basketball phenom. Parker, you will recall, pled guilty to sexually molesting a classmate: He forced her to give him a blowjob in a school stairwell. But now, in the spirit of forgiveness (and raw self-interest), the university wants to let bygones be bygones. GWU is not only considering Parker for a basketball scholarship—it is also extending a helping hand to his victim. The school has offered the girl—who just finished her sophomore year of high school—a four-year full scholarship to GWU, a package worth about $100,000.

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Critics snipe that GWU is behaving abominably by courting a sex criminal and shamelessly buying off his victim. We disagree. President Stephen Trachtenberg has hit on a brilliant strategy for luring extremely talented, if sexually precocious, students to his campus. Why stop with Parker? Trachtenberg could improve every department of his university with a few well-chosen dollars. We modestly suggest that GWU offer:

An endowed chair in personal ethics for Senator Bob Packwood (R-Ore.); free night-school for the two dozen women who’ve accused him of sexual harassment

A position on the obstetrics faculty for Virginia fertility doctor Cecil Jacobson; scholarships for his 70—or is it 80?—children

The law school deanship to Justice Clarence Thomas; a visiting-lecturer slot for Anita Hill

A medical school residency—in gynecology—for William Kennedy Smith; a tuition waiver for Patricia Bowman

A fellowship in the political science department for Mayor Marion Barry; professorships—emeritus positions, of course—for all his ex-girlfriends

Remedial classes for both Bobbitts

Scholarships to GWU’s Communications School for male staffers of D.C.’s Department of Corrections; free law school tuition for female staffers

Free correspondence courses for boxer Mike Tyson; a scholarship in fashion technology for Desiree Washington

An honorary degree in women’s studies for President Bill Clinton; writing classes for Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, etc…..