City Paper is not for tourists.
Poor George Washington University (GWU). For the past two weeks, sportswriters and editorialists nationwide have been lambasting the school for its recruitment of Richie Parker, a New York high-school basketball phenom. Parker, you will recall, pled guilty to sexually molesting a classmate: He forced her to give him a blowjob in a school stairwell. But now, in the spirit of forgiveness (and raw self-interest), the university wants to let bygones be bygones. GWU is not only considering Parker for a basketball scholarship—it is also extending a helping hand to his victim. The school has offered the girl—who just finished her sophomore year of high school—a four-year full scholarship to GWU, a package worth about $100,000.
Critics snipe that GWU is behaving abominably by courting a sex criminal and shamelessly buying off his victim. We disagree. President Stephen Trachtenberg has hit on a brilliant strategy for luring extremely talented, if sexually precocious, students to his campus. Why stop with Parker? Trachtenberg could improve every department of his university with a few well-chosen dollars. We modestly suggest that GWU offer:
An endowed chair in personal ethics for Senator Bob Packwood (R-Ore.); free night-school for the two dozen women who’ve accused him of sexual harassment
A position on the obstetrics faculty for Virginia fertility doctor Cecil Jacobson; scholarships for his 70—or is it 80?—children
The law school deanship to Justice Clarence Thomas; a visiting-lecturer slot for Anita Hill
A medical school residency—in gynecology—for William Kennedy Smith; a tuition waiver for Patricia Bowman
A fellowship in the political science department for Mayor Marion Barry; professorships—emeritus positions, of course—for all his ex-girlfriends
Remedial classes for both Bobbitts
Scholarships to GWU’s Communications School for male staffers of D.C.’s Department of Corrections; free law school tuition for female staffers
Free correspondence courses for boxer Mike Tyson; a scholarship in fashion technology for Desiree Washington
An honorary degree in women’s studies for President Bill Clinton; writing classes for Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, etc…..