Credit: Illustration by Max Kornell

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THE SALOON
1207 U St. NW

BEWARE: FOR YOUR COMFORT AND BETTER SERVICE TO THE FEW CUSTOMERS WE HAVE, WE DO NOT ALLOW STANDING. (sign behind bar)

On the front page of the menu:

“We do not sell any martinis.”
“No Standing.”
“Speak softly…others might not be interested in what you’re saying.”

COLORADO KITCHEN
5515 Colorado Ave. NW

HELP YOURSELF TO A TISSUE FOR YOUR GUM (sign next to a box of Kleenex by the front door)

SAVE A LIFE. PLEASE DON’T LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH THE SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS. (sign next to a number of salt and pepper shakers, each one obviously missing its pair)

OH DARN! ARE WE OUT OF YOUR FAVORITE? YOU MEAN IT’S NOT BURGER NIGHT? THAT’S OK. IT’S YOUR DAY TO ORDER SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD BEFORE…. (on the menu, in a paragraph dedicated to trusting the “genius” in the white hat, who makes everything at Colorado Kitchen.)

M’DAWG HAUTE DOGS
2418 18th St. NW

PUT YOUR OWN TOPPINGS ON YOUR DOG AND GO. DON’T OVERLOAD IT OR IT WILL BE ON YOUR CHEST… (sign on wall)

THERE ARE NO PLATES, FORKS OR SPOON…EXCEPT FOR TASTINGS… (sign on wall)

MAKE YOUR DOG MANAGEABLE. TOO MANY TOPPINGS WILL OVERWHELM THE FLAVOR OF THE DOG. (sign on wall)

EAMONN’S A DUBLIN CHIPPER
728 King St., Alexandria

oh by the way, this is not a british chipper, or any other chipper,
this is our chipper, if yis don’t like it…hump off.

BEBO TRATTORIA
2250-B Crystal Drive, Arlington

On the menu: “It is not typical in Italian tradition to offer olive oil during the meal, therefore we will serve only upon request at no additional charge.”