City Paper is not for tourists
When the city cuts the Metropolian Police Department (MPD) force, and D.C. muggers and rapists multiply faster than D.C. rats, you’d best be ready to defend yourself. Never fear, DYEWitness is here. This self-defense product goes mace and pepper sprays one better, enabling law-abiding citizens to not only temporarily blind but also to dye green the face of any would-be assailant. DYEWitness (shouldn’t that be “DYESuspect”?) foams all over the attacker’s face like carpet shampoo— “obscuring vision, without harming eyes”—and leaves an emerald stain for up to one week, allowing what’s left of the MPD to track the hapless con-to-be more easily. Ineffective only on St. Patrick’s Day, DYEWitness deputizes everyone who uses it, allowing civilians to perform a function that traditionally belonged to the police. Like garbage disposal, catching crooks is becoming privatized. If you want the scum off the streets, mark ’em yourself.