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Dole says he’ll quit race “unless Hillary is indicted”

Polls show him losing to Bill/Hill combo

By Brian Bloomberger

TOPEKA, Kan.—Sen. Robert Dole of Kansas, dogged by persistent criticism from GOP insiders that he could not defeat President Clinton in a one-on-one election, said yesterday that he will “drop out” of the presidential race if first lady Hillary Clinton is not indicted by the end of March for her involvement in the Whitewater/Castle Grande/Foster/Mena scandal.

“If the first lady is indicted for tax evasion, perjury, and war crimes, then Bob Dole is very much in this race,” Mr. Dole told reporters at a press conference in the University of Kansas Library.

“But if Hillary is still sitting pretty at the end of the month, then Bob Dole is dog meat,” the Senate Majority Leader added.

It was the first time Mr. Dole has declared that he would quit the Republican presidential race if Hillary Clinton were not indicted. Until now, Mr. Dole has claimed that “he could whip Bill Clinton with my one good hand tied behind my back.” Dole campaign strategists said that Dole’s change in tactics stemmed from polling data showing Dole losing to Clinton by a 5 to 1 margin. With Ms. Clinton sitting in jail, Dole leads Clinton 51 percent to 49 percent, according to the polls.

Later in the day, at a campaign rally in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Dole laid blame for his failing fortunes on persecutor Kenneth Starr. “What the [expletive deleted ] is Starr waiting for?” Dole told a crowd of 2,500 cheering brewery workers. “If you throw that prissy little bitch in jail, she’ll start talking quicker than the liberals in Congress will vote for a tax increase.”

see 20 YEARS TO LIFE, page A10

Panel counsel: Hillary stashed files in Chelsea’s school books

Senate subpoenas 400 Sidwell Friends students and teachers

By Elizabeth Nedkins

The chief Republican lawyer for the special Senate Whitewater committee said yesterday he believes first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton hid Rose Law Firm records in daughter Chelsea’s school books to hide her role in a real estate project that federal regulators described as a “sham.”

Majority counsel Larry Beria raised the issue during an early-morning talk with reporters at Capitol Hill watering hole Bullfeathers, saying “questions need to be asked (burp) about the whereabouts of those damn records (hiccup).”

Mr. Beria said an option agreement prepared by Ms. Clinton in connection with the Castle Grande real estate deal was central to uncovering the reason for Vincent Foster’s alleged “suicide.” Republican senators believe that Foster’s death is connected to Clinton-sponsored drug-smuggling operations in Arkansas, which have been linked to both Kennedy assassinations.

“Is it a coincidence or is there a connection between Ms. Clinton’s announcement that she lost the Rose Law Firm billing records and Chelsea Clinton arriving at school at Sidwell Friends—a posh private school—with more ‘math’ homework than usual?” Mr. Beria asked. “That’s a question we will have to ask.”

The committee issued subpoenas yesterday morning to 421 faculty members, administrators, coaches, and students of Sidwell Friends, demanding information pertaining to the contents of Chelsea Clinton’s school work, locker, and lunch box. “The committee is prepared to conduct around-the-clock hearings until someone confesses that


D.C. Deficit Tops $800 Million

Control Board to probe whether first lady “cooked the books” for Barry

By Jean Jersey

John Hill, executive director of the District’s Financial Control Board, announced today that the city’s fiscal year 1996 deficit would exceed $800 million, four times the amount estimated just last week. The finding comes at an embarrassing time for the Clinton administration, just one day after Barry spokesperson Johnny Allem confirmed that first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton had been serving as a secret financial adviser to the mayor.

“She cooked the damn books,” claimed D.C. appropriations subcommittee chairman Rep. James T. Walsh of New York. Walsh called for an immediate Control Board investigation into the first lady’s financial shenanigans. Walsh also introduced legislation in Congress that would add Sen. Alfonse D’Amato to the Control Board.

In a statement read to the press by her chief aide and pathological liar Margaret Williams, Ms. Clinton denied involvement with the D.C. financial scandal. “After being ousted as health care czarina, I could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve taken a role as financial adviser to the District. But I wasn’t asked, and if I was asked, I didn’t accept, and if I did accept, I didn’t act improperly. That should answer all of your questions.”

A close adviser to Mayor Marion Barry, however, contradicted the first lady’s account. “We saw what the woman could do with cattle futures and asked her to do the same for us. Unfortunately, she bet our lottery money on one too many pork bellies, and the chickens have now come home to roost. The, er, first lady set me up.”


9,000 feared dead in Bosnia massacre

White House can’t explain Hillary’s whereabouts

by John Tyndull

Srbrncnz, BOSNIA—Serbian troops slaughtered more than 9,000 Muslim civilians, including pregnant women and children, in a pre-dawn attack on this town in eastern Bosnia. The rogue troops, led by an unidentified general, skirted a U.N. brigade posted outside the town gate, then launched a deadly hail of mortar fire, grenades, and machine-gun bullets.

In Washington, GOP leaders said they saw “disturbing parallels” between the mass slaughter and the Whitewater scandal. “What I want to know, and know now, is what role first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton played in this epic tragedy,” said Rep. Jim Leach. “A woman who could hide law firm records for years is undoubtedly capable of equally monstrous crimes, such as the cold-blooded killing of 9,000 innocents.”

White House officials admitted that they could not account for the first lady’s whereabouts this morning, but that they doubted she could have flown to Bosnia and back without attracting attention. “I’m sure she didn’t do it. No, really, I am. I’ll have to get back to you on this one,” said White House spokesman Anonymous.

While campaigning in Bucolic, Ga., Republican presidential candidate Pat Buchanan condemned Ms. Clinton’s presumed role in the massacre. “The first lady’s action is the warning shot of the liberals’ New World Order,” Buchanan told a cheering crowd of pitch-forked peasants. “We need to dig a moat, lock the fence, guard the barricades, and keep Hillary and her ilk out of our United States.”


D’Amato’s shirt lost by dry cleaners

Judge demands explanation from the White House

By Adrienne Washingup

A Superior Court judge in Washington, D.C., yesterday ordered Hillary Rodham Clinton to testify at the fraud and conspiracy trial of Harry and Susan Stanton, proprietors of the Watergate Valet. Judge Arturo Gonzalez signed the order late yesterday afternoon, acting on the request of Billy-Bob Bennett, attorney for plaintiff Alfonse D’Amato.

D’Amato’s complaint alleges that the Stantons, “with malice aforethought, conveyed Sen. D’Amato’s oxford blue dress shirt to one Hillary Rodham Clinton knowingly and willingly.” Judge Gonzalez, who was appointed by President Bush, ruled that Ms. Clinton’s testimony about the shirt is vital if Sen. D’Amato’s complaint is to receive a fair hearing.

Administration officials said they believe the first lady can satisfy the subpoena with a videotaped deposition. However, Mr. Bennett is requesting a thorough examination of the White House living quarters for the missing shirt.

D’Amato said yesterday that he believes his shirt’s disappearance is just the latest in a series of bizarre heists orchestrated by the first lady. “She stole my running shoes, my eyeglasses case, my toothbrush,” said D’Amato as he spoke by phone from the back room of Roma Restaurante in Westchester, N.Y. “I really don’t know what she’s looking for. After all, she’s already stolen half of Arkansas. Why would she need my shirt?”

“Some may call this a fishing expedition,” said D’Amato. “But I’ve learned that when it comes to evidence and the Clintons, one should not leave one pair of undies unturned.”

A tiny White House official with a long last name who asked not to be identified said that the shirt had “probably been taken by ‘Fat Tony’ Solarno or one of the other hoods D’Amato hangs out with.”


Memo reveals White House fears

Vacuum the files, Clinton wrote

By J.R. Barrister

In a note released yesterday, White House officials were described as distressed that they might be “done for” if they couldn’t make sure that a Yale Law School official would tell the “right” story about first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton’s third-year transcript.

The concerns are highlighted in the note, laced with hamburger grease stains, written by President Clinton. “Those transcripts are so f****** important, if we f****** this up, we’re done,” wrote the f****** President. “Let’s not talk it to death. Let’s vacuum the files.”

“I’m not going to speculate on what it means. We’ll just assume the worst unless we hear otherwise,” said Sen. Alfonse M. D’Amato.

The handwritten note, dated Jan. 7, 1994, presumably refers to the classes Ms. Clinton took while a student at Yale Law School. Although the note does not identify why Ms. Clinton’s transcripts were so f****** important, a course guide indicates that available courses included, “F****** the Commodity Futures Trading Commission,” “Savings and Loan Fraud,” and “Comparative Communist Legal Systems.”

When asked whether the note referred to controversial courses that Ms. Clinton may have taken at Yale Law School, White House spokesman Michael McCurry replied, “F*** you,” and then proceeded to vacuum the White House press room.



White Castle Grande

The greasy hamburger joint is found to satisfy the President’s craving for fast food and slick real estate deals. A10

Village Idiot

It Takes a Village…to do what? Family groups alarmed by communism, pedophilia in Hillary’s book. B8

Cookie Monster?

Future Homemakers of America call first lady’s cookie recipe “revolting.” C1

Vacationing with the Rodham Clintons

Moscow is still the perfect city for draft-dodging baby boomers to relive the good ol’ days when they tried to subvert the U.S. government. E1

Hurdler Greg Foster Injured

Republicans see “ominous” links to Vincent Foster’s suicide. C1

Congenital Pleasures

First lady loves her cat…o’ nine tails: Animal rights activist say Socks is malnourished, abused. D1

Smart-Assed Liberals

Al Franken is a small, effeminate dirty liar. B1

—Jeffrey Itell and David Plotz