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If Dave Barry ever strolled into the offices of Washington City Paper, I would be the first person to shake his hand, pledge allegiance to his genius, and if feeling particularly warm and fuzzy inside, maybe even give him a hug. Of course, I would probably be the only person at the paper feeling so chummy; here, I’m a lone freak against the world. Read the following clip from his ode to the regular Joe, Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys, and see how you’d fit in at CP: “The most significant achievement of ancient Egyptian guys occurred at the funeral of the great Pharaoh Amentooten III, when some guys invented the famous ‘Substitute Mummy Filled with Live Weasels’ prank. This led to the collapse of the Egyptian empire, but everyone involved agreed it was worth it.” Funny, right? What do you mean you didn’t laugh? Oh, screw you, too. Join me in praise when Barry signs copies of Guys at 12:30 p.m. at Reprint Bookshop, 455 L’Enfant Plaza SW. FREE. (202) 554-5070. (Sean Daly)