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A Brazilian Christmas is a Yuletide bossa nova for the VH-1 Crossroads crowd. The arrangements are clearer than a glass tabletop in Martha Stewart’s house, the playing is cleaner than an obsessive-compulsive’s hands, and the tunes are blander than this review. Global’s Kenny G-tribute version of Bach’s “Air on a Six String (Air on the G String)” is so boring you hope John Tesh drops by to liven up the joint. Unfortunately, Global is truly worldwide on this CD, as it goes butchering the classics again with Tchaikovsky’s “Dance Natahl (Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy),” serving it up with more cheese than you’d find at Hickory Farms. Joyce sings as badly as Astrid Gilberto, with none of the latter’s sex appeal, on “O Velhinho,” “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” and “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” Georgetown law professor Joseph A. Page’s liner notes are the album’s most interesting contribution. He traces the history of the holiday from Brazil’s Roman Catholic Portuguese settlements up through the celebration’s modern-day commercialist trappings (like this album, for instance).—Christisborn Porter