Rash of auto thefts hits

Georgetown; locals think it

might be time for a Georgetown Metro stop.-4

Workers find human bones in demolition project; ID efforts reveal deceased to be D.C.

bureaucrat in good standing.-3

Councilmembers frag Dave

Clarke for appearing disheveled. Clarke fires doctor, hires makeover artist.-4

Stray bullet hits Metrobus

in Marshall Heights; drivers

union puts bulletproof vests into upcoming contract.-5

U.S. Attorney Eric Holder

seeks stiffer penalties for marijuana use; bike messengers huddle with defense lawyers in Dupont Circle.-7

Skins play last game at JFK.

District residents offer to help move the world-class chokers

out of town.-8

Council votes to cut welfare

benefits by 5 percent to prevent the District from becoming a

magnet for the poor. Virginia ups ante by putting bounty on single moms.-3

D.C. paramedic shot in ambulance. Ambulance companies

place orders for humvees.-4

Subtotal: -38

Shots in the Arm:

Animal-rights protests force removal of deer from Christmas exhibit on the Ellipse to Shenandoah Valley, where redneck hunters await with loaded shotguns.+4

Grand jury indicts principal Mary A.T. Anigbo for assaulting reporter Susan Ferrechio in school hallway. Malik Zulu Shabazz immediately defines incident as another chapter in the “Black Holocaust.”+9

Mayor Barry visits freshly renovated D.C. morgue and claims he saw a “miracle.” Morgue workers check their inventory to make sure that one of their residents isn’t back among the living.+7

After President Clinton backs increased federal aid to the District, Mayor Barry proclaims, “Talk is cheap.” District residents eye current D.C. deficit and decide cheap talk can actually be very expensive.+8

Hillary Rodham Clinton adopts District as her second child. Announces her second book: “It Takes a Village Idiot to Get Involved in D.C.”+6

CFO Anthony Williams fires 11 D.C. public-school finance employees. Four others die from the shock.+4

Schools CEO Julius Becton closes underattended middle school. Teachers all over the District begin taking attendance again.+5

Cops announce support for federal takeover. Feds ask why the most overpoliced jurisdiction in the nation is one of its least safe, and cops withdraw request.+2

Subtotal: +45