Eight new hotels announce plans to open in the District; President Clinton lowers Lincoln Bedroom rates to stay competitive. +7

In response to question about the District’s territorial status, Mayor Barry responds, “I want to get Arlington County and Alexandria back.” Northern Virginians rush to buy snow shovels. +6

Inspector general fingers two public works employees for cheating city out of $42,000 with fake overtime and attendance claims. Accused workers request commendation and a raise for not taking more. +4

In zero-tolerance frenzy, D.C. cops get tough on public urinaters. Mount Pleasant residents recover sense of smell. +8

City sells fleet of police helicopters to Florida concern, gets big sack of fresh grapefruits in return. +3

New Safeway opens on Good Hope Road SE. For first time in memory, shopping carts in area are actually used to carry groceries. +9

City adds an “s” to signs for Douglas Road SE to rectify slight to abolitionist Frederick Douglass. Public works officials downplay misspelling by noting that it didn’t affect pronunciation. +5

Police Chief Larry Soulsby unleashes additional 400 cops on city streets and articulates radical departure from department policy: “The object is to reduce crime.” +8

Congressional committee hears testimony from mayors of five other cities on how to fix D.C. Mayor Barry concludes his invite must have been lost in the mail. +3

Subtotal: +53

The Damage Done

In an interview with Washington Post, Sen. Lauch Faircloth, chairman of Senate committee that oversees the District, suggests city residents move if they don’t like being disenfranchised. Wake up, you idiot: They already have. -9

Man is strangled to death on escalator at Navy Yard Metro stop, prompting District cops to create new homicide category. -6

City officials propose privatizing food store at Lorton prison. Murderers horde change for Happy Meals. -5

Faculty at Anacostia High strike in protest of lax student discipline. Irony not lost on students. -6

MCI Center authorities report slow sales of upscale “club” seats; local fans realize watching loser doesn’t look much different from cheap seats. -7

Pilfered pay phones begin to pile up next to vandalized parking meters. Can cash machines be far behind? -5

Cathedral Heights residents complain about speeding Pizza Hut delivery cars—after they wipe sheen of grease and tomato sauce from their lips. -1

Fierce storm capsizes paddle boats on Tidal Basin. Tourists discover that cherry blossoms don’t look so good when you’re hypothermic. -3

City hikes water rates by 42 percent, citing nutritional value of murky soup emanating from District faucets. -4

D.C. Council Chairman Dave Clarke dies. City loses all glory and dysfunction of its liberal heritage. -8

Starbucks raises coffee prices. Downtown law firms issue across-the-board cost-of-living salary hikes. -2

Subtotal: -56