Hsing-Hsing, National Zoo’s giant panda, undergoes successful cancer surgery and gets teeth cleaned to boot. Patients at D.C. General flood zoo with inquiries about its health care plan. +5
Mayor Barry proposes etiquette
training for D.C. cabdrivers. Lesson
No. 1: Tell dissatisfied customers
to “get over it.” +3
Friendship Heights activists lobby
for installation of speed bumps in
their communityto slow traffic between Fresh Fields and kiddie
soccer games. +4
Fannie Mae to fund 75 summer jobs for city youths, who will research new and innovative ways to avoid D.C. taxes. +3
Bullets make playoffs for the first
time in nine years and earn the
privilege of serving as hors d’oeuvre for Michael Jordan. +3
Mobil Oil donates 9,000 gallons
of motor oil to Metropolitan Police Department (MPD), replacing
grease that had lubricated promotion process. +2
City hires ombudsman to help
local businesses deal with District
government. Business community
asks for ombudsman to help them
deal with ombudsman. +2
D.C. Council committee votes to
halve size of Barry’s security detail, depriving Hizzoner of status as commander in chief of biggest private army in U.S. +5
Subtotal: +27
The Damage Done:
In press conference justifying his change of heart on death penalty, Barry has trouble coming up with nice way to say “raw, unbridled desperation.” -5
Report by Booz-Allen & Hamilton concludes that MPD is working at “minimum level.” Local media cover report as news item. -4
Soil under Whitehurst Freeway
support beam gives way. Potomac
commuters install roll bars on
their BMWs.-4
Canal Clipper tour boat gets lowered back into C&O Canal to afford tourists closer view of dead rats, sludge, and frat-boy puke in fetid swamp. -3
D.C. librarian asks patrons to bring in their own copies of Time and Newsweek to soften impact of budget crunch. Inventory of drunks and lunatics at local branches holds steady. -6
City motorists bellyache over plan to install bike paths on Calvert Street NW, suggesting everyone should be fat, lazy, and entitled to own traffic lane. -6
Roma restaurant in Cleveland Park closes after 77 years in business. District’s toxic waste disposal unit is called in to remove gamy trophy heads from wall. -3
Residents of AU Park report disturbing string of catnappings. Investigation reveals they all moved to Maryland because their kittens were reaching school age. -2
Kalorama neighborhood votes to
hire private security force; MPD
recommends off-duty police officers for jobraising prospect that District residents can pay twice for crappy crime protection. -3
Subtotal: -36