Hsing-Hsing, National Zoo’s giant panda, undergoes successful cancer surgery and gets teeth cleaned to boot. Patients at D.C. General flood zoo with inquiries about its health care plan. +5

Mayor Barry proposes etiquette

training for D.C. cabdrivers. Lesson

No. 1: Tell dissatisfied customers

to “get over it.” +3

Friendship Heights activists lobby

for installation of speed bumps in

their community—to slow traffic between Fresh Fields and kiddie

soccer games. +4

Fannie Mae to fund 75 summer jobs for city youths, who will research new and innovative ways to avoid D.C. taxes. +3

Bullets make playoffs for the first

time in nine years and earn the

privilege of serving as hors d’oeuvre for Michael Jordan. +3

Mobil Oil donates 9,000 gallons

of motor oil to Metropolitan Police Department (MPD), replacing

grease that had lubricated promotion process. +2

City hires ombudsman to help

local businesses deal with District

government. Business community

asks for ombudsman to help them

deal with ombudsman. +2

D.C. Council committee votes to

halve size of Barry’s security detail, depriving Hizzoner of status as commander in chief of biggest private army in U.S. +5

Subtotal: +27

The Damage Done:

In press conference justifying his change of heart on death penalty, Barry has trouble coming up with nice way to say “raw, unbridled desperation.” -5

Report by Booz-Allen & Hamilton concludes that MPD is working at “minimum level.” Local media cover report as news item. -4

Soil under Whitehurst Freeway

support beam gives way. Potomac

commuters install roll bars on

their BMWs.-4

Canal Clipper tour boat gets lowered back into C&O Canal to afford tourists closer view of dead rats, sludge, and frat-boy puke in fetid swamp. -3

D.C. librarian asks patrons to bring in their own copies of Time and Newsweek to soften impact of budget crunch. Inventory of drunks and lunatics at local branches holds steady. -6

City motorists bellyache over plan to install bike paths on Calvert Street NW, suggesting everyone should be fat, lazy, and entitled to own traffic lane. -6

Roma restaurant in Cleveland Park closes after 77 years in business. District’s toxic waste disposal unit is called in to remove gamy trophy heads from wall. -3

Residents of AU Park report disturbing string of catnappings. Investigation reveals they all moved to Maryland because their kittens were reaching school age. -2

Kalorama neighborhood votes to

hire private security force; MPD

recommends off-duty police officers for job—raising prospect that District residents can pay twice for crappy crime protection. -3

Subtotal: -36

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