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Want five really good reasons for a seniors tennis tour? How about Pete Sampras, Thomas Muster, Michael Chang, Yevgeny Kafelnikov, and Richard Krajicek—in order, the top five players in the world, according to the latest ATP rankings. Boring! Who the hell wants to pay to see any of them play? The only touring pro with a pulse, Andre Agassi, lost his legs when he met Brooke and fell way out of the Top 20. But by packaging the graying legends of the sport’s golden age—Jimmy Connors, Bjorn Borg, Guillermo Vilas—the Nuveen tour’s Corel WordPerfect Champions remind us that the game once had more personality than American cheese. Of course, from a performance standpoint, tennis doesn’t lend itself to gray hairs as comfortably as golf does, so this weekend Woodmont should house more groin pulling than a YMCA locker room. And oh yeah, it’s a B.Y.O.E. (Bring Your Own Ensure) function. Opening singles and doubles matches at 7:30 p.m. Thursday; (singles) 1:30 p.m. & (doubles) 7:30 p.m. Friday; (singles) 1:30 & 7:30 p.m. Saturday; semifinals at 1:30 & 7:30 p.m. Sunday; and singles and doubles championships 7:30 p.m. Monday at Woodmont Country Club, 1201 Rockville Pike, Rockville. $25-36 (proceeds benefit the American Lung Association). For reservations call (202) 467-6930. (Dave McKenna)