The Damage Done:

D.C. police Chief Larry Soulsby reduces canine unit by half, decimating his only remaining pocket of loyal

subordinates. -2

In an effort to ease transition to new welfare requirements, Mayor Barry asks feds to expand definition of “work”—presumably to include act of waiting in line for benefits checks. -5

Georgetown University’s self-evaluation suggests college has uninspired professors, lazy students, and science labs in worse condition than those of local community colleges. University officials mull merger with UDC. -4

Park Service uproots magnolias on Pennsylvania Avenue NW, citing role of pretty trees in Oklahoma City bombing. -5

Water-main break deprives Kalorama building of water for three days. Residents spotted bathing and washing clothes in Rock Creek. -5

Crew from Department of Public Works dumps trash in Northwest alley and then films itself picking it up. Next up: Water and Sewer Authority to dump fecal coliform bacteria into water supply to demonstrate efficacy of treatment methods. -2

Six radar screens go blank at National Airport. District Cablevision brought in as technical adviser. -3

IRS penalizes 68 D.C. police officers for fraudulent tax returns prepared by Anacostia accountant, who classified receipts for donuts as business expenses.-5

D.C. cops crack down on motorists for seat-belt violations. Two drive-by-shooting victims ticketed before

officers notice they are deceased. -4

Subtotal: -35

Shots in the Arm:

D.C. woman gives birth to sextuplets, creating first uptick in District’s population in years. +2

Judge orders owner of defunct Fifth Column nightclub to spend 300 hours rehabilitating District schools as punishment for tax evasion. Owner gets busy installing mirrors, strobe lights, and other Eurotrash amenities. +6

Mayor Barry announces city’s bid for 2008 Olympic games, featuring synchronized swimming in the C&O Canal and a shotput event using chunks of crumbling District Building. +4

As part of city’s summer jobs program, McDonald’s announces it will hire 500 D.C. school kids—and 500 new supervisors. +7

Headmaster of elite St. Alban’s School for Boys is pushed out by governing board for requiring students to wear Argyle underwear. +3

Justice for Janitors pledges end to

militant strikes. Local pawnbrokers announce record inventory of

tinny megaphones. +6

Report reveals that in certain pay periods mayoral security officers were paid more than Mayor Barry himself. Barry offers not to run if he can be in charge of security detail for next mayor. +8

City planners unveil mockup of transformed District that features statue of President Millard Fillmore, the patron saint of governmental impotence. +4

Subtotal: +40