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German U-Boats sail up the Potomac. Mayor Barry tells control board, “I told you so.” -3

Mild winter causes spike in incidences of Lyme disease in District. Rock Newman wins emergency tick-control contract from D.C. government. -5

Biograph Theater, bought off by CVS a year ago, auctions off memorabilia. Customers complain of sticky sheen covering merchandise. -2

Temperature hits 100 degrees for first time since 1994. Congress blames D.C.’s welfare culture. -4

Rep. Tom Davis (R-Va.) pushes bailout for the District. Offers to trade Virginia’s Lorton prison for D.C. office of Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms. -4

District government approves big pay raises for agency heads but puny raises for low-level employees. Union leaders acquiesce, but hint performance might suffer if union members can figure out a way to do even less. -5

Anonymous firm makes offer for

ailing Hechinger’s. Following company tradition, hardware chain keeps

customer waiting. -3

D.C. lowers speed limit on Nebraska Avenue, New Mexico Avenue, and MacArthur Boulevard NW. Locals complain about wear and tear on Jaguars from having to stay in first gear. -5

Federal court rules that National Park Service is free to ban T-shirt sales on the Mall. Dirty water becomes city’s No. 1 export. -5

Power failure blacks out downtown, Foggy Bottom, and Georgetown on a Friday night. Sequoia calls in extra bouncers to keep daquiri looters at bay. -1

Subtotal: -37

Shots in the Arm

Activists protest Marriott’s plans for a “Hospitality High School” program to train District youth for jobs in the hotel industry and float a counterproposal—”Don’t Bother Me Prep”—to prepare youth for jobs in D.C. government. +4

Ward 2 Councilmember Jack Evans proposes raising fines for parking-

permit fraud. Residents clamor for Evans’ personal parking plan—park wherever you damn well please. +3

Congressional committees approve package of capital gains cuts and other tax incentives for D.C. residents. Louis Rukeyser broadcasts a “buy recommendation” for D.C. real estate. +10

Four eaglets hatched in Wisconsin are housed along the Anacostia River in effort to boost D.C.’s eagle population. Conspiracy theorists denounce eagle coddling as aviary component of

“the Plan.” +6

National Park Service releases four

proposals to overhaul Rock Creek Park. Calls for drawing targets on Rollerbladers fail to make the cut. +7

Bill Gates donates computers and software to enable D.C. libraries to log onto the Internet. Computers remain dark because District can’t afford extension cords. +4

June begins with record-breaking

cold snap. Congress blames D.C.’s

welfare culture. +5

District plans quick sale of vacant schools, upsetting activists but thrilling businesses in the market for offices with jungle gyms, creaky PA systems, and hopscotch grids. +7

Subtotal: +46