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The Damage Done:

Congress, White House agree on bill to strip Mayor Marion Barry of powers over D.C. government and approve codicil requiring him to wear Bermuda shorts at all official functions. -10

Sutton Place Gourmet grocery stores poison yuppie clientele with contaminated basil sauce; afflicted find stores’ trendy bags accommodate full heave

of puke. -6

Home rule warrior Polly Shackleton dies; Congress passes bill to nullify

voting rights in Heaven. -4

Forty-three D.C. schools must wait longer for new roofs; school officials relocate desks, chalkboards to Beltway underpasses. -7

District to drop all junior high schools by 2000; Sen. Lauch Faircloth vows

to add senior highs, elementary schools to the list. -2

Potomac River algae funks up D.C. water supply; Congress blames D.C. welfare culture. -6

FBI investigates convention center. Conclusion—”Man, is this ever ugly”—deemed insufficient to warrant indictments. -5

Former Mayor Sharon Pratt Kelly opens web site; users marvel at hyperlinks to www.massiveineptitude.com and www.spendmoneyyoudon’thave.now. -6

Subtotal: -46

Shots in the Arm:

GOP leaders sign off on $325 million

in tax breaks for District. Residents cheer provisions for rodenticide

deductions. +5

In zero-tolerance frenzy, D.C. cops arrest residents on their front stoops

for drinking in public; corner bodegas report run on O’Douls. +6

Wizards unveil new uniforms;

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players chagrined at mandatory

white beard policy. +2

Ronald Reagan Building opens at

Federal Triangle; well-wishers gaze

at memorial to Strategic Defense

Initiative. +3

Washington Post pens series on earth-shaking scoop: D.C. government is poorly managed. Other upcoming exposes: New York is big, L.A. smoggy, Tokyo full of Japanese. +3

Kennedy Center proposes changes in layout to prevent truck bombings; Michigan Militia Men’s Chorus cancels upcoming performance. +5

Foggy Bottom residents ask D.C. Council to put limits on enrollment at George Washington University; university officials ask UN to relocate snooty NIMBYists. +2

Clinton administration asks Barry to oppose Initiative 57 to legalize marijuana for medicinal purposes; Barry replies that after congressional putsch, he is only empowered to oppose Heinz 57 Sauce. +3

Man jumps into Anacostia River to elude pursuing cops; judge dismisses case, saying suspect has already suffered enough. +6

Subtotal: +35