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Here’s a prediction you can write in stone, take to the bank, and bet your life on: Be Here Now, the third full-length offering from Britain’s best-selling bad boys, will be the last album from the Brothers Gallagher as you currently know them. In the upcoming months, the band will realize there’s nowhere else to roam and either 1.) break up amicably or 2.) guzzle numerous fifths of whiskey, strip to their tattered skivvies, and bare-knuckle box until one of them is dead. Bet on Noel Gallagher to be the victor and to have an eclectic, commercially mediocre solo career. Liam is truly a talentless punk who, if he knew better, would just stay home and watch wife Patsy Kensit towel off. (As far as the other guys are concerned, has anyone ever given a shit?) Be Here Now is a bloated, derivative, and boring whale of an album, with only three songs under the five-minute mark, and almost every track ending with prolonged “Hey Jude” flourishes. The Beatles references are all but deafening; often, the album becomes a Where’s Waldo? experience: Hey, did ya hear that? He said, “the fool on the hill” in “D’You Know What I Mean?”! “All Around the World” is just like “All You Need Is Love”! Ho-hum. Of course, when they’re not raping the Fab Four (worse than they have in the past, that is), the band dips into its own shallow vaults and beats off to the cool sounds of recent yesterdays: “Stand By Me” borrows big-time from “Don’t Look Back in Anger,” and “I Hope, I Think, I Know” is “Rock ‘n’ Roll Star” without the grit. The good news, you ask? Save for the “long and winding road” mention, “My Big Mouth” is a driving, raucous high point, a truly rocking number. Unfortunately, that type of effort is seldom seen on Be Here Now. And for that reason, folks, you can mark my words: This is the end.

—Sean Daly