The north end of Route 295 got a lot more fired up about the Redskins-Ravens game than we did here. Too many Baltimoreans hoped the NFL’s first turnpike tussle in 16 years would kick-start a feud with D.C., but Washingtonians never took the bait. Truth is, we can’t hate Baltimore. No more than Berlin can hate Paris. Than Goliath can hate David. Than the Skins can quash the run.

The one-way nature of this semi-imagined intercity squabble was obvious all over Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. As Ravens runners passed through the Skins line like so many bad oysters, big guys in garish Baltimore jerseys taunted anybody clad in the home team’s garb. The locals mostly ignored the discourteous guests from Charm City, but their dress made for a cool color scheme. From a blimp, the purple-and-burgundy grandstand must have looked like a pfiesteria sore.

The game itself was hardly so riveting, so I spent the inaugural Gladys Spellman Bowl wondering how to show our northern neighbors how silly all their feud talk really is. Yes, only they have baseball, and only we have Thai food. And while Bam Morris speeds with drugs in his trunk, Terry Allen chooses to speed with booze in his blood. But what about those things our towns and teams share? Like Washington monuments (OK, ours is bigger, so suspend that obelisk envy!), beltways, and Earnest Byner?

Right is a list of but a few of the commonalities.

I’m not the only one who thinks we should just get along, hon. We’re already brothers and sisters in the eyes of the feds. In December 1992, the Census Bureau drew up Consolidated Metropolitan Statistical Areas, and threw Baltimore and Washington together into the very same CMSA. The bureau, however, also inserted one other metropolis into this new brood: Hagerstown.

Hagerstown? Now that’s a place to hate.—Dave McKenna

ThemUs

PoeSheinbein

Mayor ShmokeMayor smokes crack

Gov. Glendening stole the BrownsGov. Glendening stole the Redskins

Lost the BulletsLost the Senators

Wizards or nothingO’s or nothing

Cal RipkenStrom Thurmond

Second shiftHappy hour

Embarrassed by DundalkAshamed of Hyattsville

Bert JonesBattlin’ Burt Lustine

H.L. MenckenI.J. Hudson

Barry LevinsonCora Barry

Ben ChavousMary Treadwell

Congressional representationCongress

Home of the reserve clause Home of the Federal Reserve

and the Baltimore chopand pork

Survived Art SchlichterRecovering from Heath Shuler

Gino MarchettiRichie Petitbon

HaussnersThe Corcoran

Johns HopkinsJohn Bobbitt

Tom ThumbGheorghe Muresan

Water taxitoxic water

Colts Marching BandD.C. School Board

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