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The Damage Done:

Sharon Pratt Kelly proclaims she would have been better mayor if she hadn’t been so obsessed with “what is popular at the moment”—namely, sitting on ass and blaming Congress for problems. -2

Georgetown University installs crosses and crucifixes in classrooms; hair shirts, rosary beads added to student dress code. -1

University of the District of Columbia School of Law saves accreditation with desperate campaign; students use Wite-Out to eliminate “University of the District of” from their diplomas. -6

Washington National renamed Reagan National; in bipartisan gesture, Republicans rename Greyhound terminal Jimmy Carter Depot.-5

Washington Post headline: “D.C. Losing Longtime Residents to Suburbs, Study Finds.” Next in series: “Suburbs Concentrated in Maryland, Virginia.” -2

Gen. Charles Williams quits as schools facilities chief, plans to spend more time flubbing repair jobs around house. -5

Storms thrash popular Dewey Beach resort. Residents blame summer hordes. -3

Montgomery County police chief Carol A. Mehrling runs red light, hits car, then announces crackdown on traffic scofflaws. Ex-D.C. police chief Larry Soulsby calls to congratulate her on job well done. -1

George magazine calls D.C. one of 10 most

corrupt cities in country; Mayor Barry ranks George among 10 dumbest publications

on rack. -3

D.C. Corporation Counsel John Farren concludes that Barry still has “very substantial responsibilities.” Commissions three paralegals to research what they are. -1

Subtotal: -29

Shots in the Arm

Metro to install cell phones on buses, trains. “I’m on the 42 bus, headed to the Red Line. Have the limo waiting outside the Brookland/CUA stop.” +2

D.C. man reaches semifinals of Jeopardy tournament. “I’ll take urban blight for $500,

Alex.” +1

Multimedia company Starpower to offer cable TV to District residents; officials vow to outdo District Cablevision in Dave Clarke reruns and indiscriminate late fees. +5

Metropolitan Police Department to install red-light monitors at key intersections, program machines to ignore certain white and blue

vehicles. +3

D.C. Council disallows signing bonuses for D.C. government managers. “We are not the NBA,” says At-Large Councilmember Carol Schwartz. Wes Unseld ends bid to become police chief. +4

District begins replacing parking meters

ravaged by vandals. Entrepreneurs step into

the fray, offering slightly battered meters by

the gross. +2

District hires hotshot forensic pathologist Jonathan L. Arden to overhaul troubled morgue; Arden says it will take six months to sort through on-hand inventory. +5

D.C. cop delivers baby in back seat of car; control board orders $500,000 consultant report on MPD OB/GYN efficiency. +3

Chief Financial Officer Anthony Williams unveils $186-million budgetary surplus. Smelling salts handed out with press

releases. +9

Subtotal: +34