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I have been outed by Monte Paulsen. His riveting exposé, “Raiders of the Last Ark” (3/6) has shined the light on my secret life as a post-Cold War spy.

According to his visionary article, Fortune 500 companies and the telecom industry have been running a covert campaign to control the Internet. My small not-for-profit organization is the lobbying arm that spearheads this high-tech influence-peddling operation. This is completely true. All those so-called Internet entrepreneurs and millions of personal home pages you see were set up by my staff to cover our tracks.

Now that my cover is blown, a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, no longer having to work on behalf of the military-industrial-entertainment complex that has secretly infiltrated the Internet. I must share my story…

It all started in 1995. Our Secret Agent Monica had just finished her White House debriefing. We were on our way to meet with Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman about a movie project to cover up the expected scandal. Worried that the scandal wouldn’t be big enough, we had Agent Ken Starr start stirring up trouble so that we could be sure of big box-office sales when the movie came out.

Then those fools in production blew our cover on the Titanic job. The original sinking in 1912 was a hoax to sell more newspapers. We couldn’t produce the original boat, so we convinced this crazy movie director to produce a life-size version of the ship and sink it again, thus covering our tracks with an almost exact replica of the real thing.

Having just finished the Michael Flatley project, we sent Stephanopoulos for reconstructive surgery. We needed a young heartthrob for the movie, so we’ve had him working as Leo DiCaprio for a few years now. Have you ever seen the two together?

It really hasn’t been a great year for many of our undercover projects. Operation Barney Mind Control has run its course, and now everyone knows about our Internet Domination Initiative. Worst of all, Secret Agent Drudge was supposed to keep a low profile.

At least I can take solace in the fact that Primary Colors has been made into a movie. I can retire happily on my royalties and enjoy my parking meter-removal hobby in lovely Miami Beach.

Everything I’ve told you here must remain top secret. I’ve almost completely covered my tracks—and the final master stroke is nearly complete. Soon we will have achieved total media domination with Operation Cokie.

Fronting for the International Media Conspiracy,

President

Association for Interactive Media

via the Internet