Marcus and Cherise Williams, of Silver Spring, Md., are entirely ambivalent about announcing the engagement of their daughter, Alicia, to Dimitrius Jefferson of Prince George’s County. The bride-to-be is a Howard University honors student, while the bridegroom is working on a master’s in hanging out with his friends and chasing skirt. The proposed merger is scheduled to take place next summer at Prince George’s Church of Everlasting Denial.
Former Deputy Secretary for Commerce and Mrs. Jerome Ickys, of Kalorama, are somewhat bewildered to announce that their son, Todd, a legislative aide to a nameless GOP senator from some long-forgotten state, has unexpectedly proposed to one Tammi Briggs, a woman he met in one of those dreadful M Street bars. Ms. Briggs is 10 years Mr. Ickys’ senior, has at least one tattoo, and is, of course, expecting. The bridegroom, an honors graduate of Old Dominion Commonwealth College, will wed his bride, who reportedly can barely write her name in the sand with a stick, this summer.
Robert Trotsky, 57, contributing editor of libertarian theologist journal Gogol, is pleased to announce that he will continue advantaging himself on his protégée, Virginia Nelson, 22, of Jackson Hole, Wyo., despite his marriage of 24 years. Ms. Nelson, an assistant editor, also has signaled her intention to continue the relationship, despite tearful, late-night promises to her close friends. The affair, conducted exclusively during afternoon “planning sessions” in Trotsky’s office, is expected to finally end in November, when Trotsky will again refuse to include Ms. Nelson in his Thanksgiving plans.
Whats Hisname-Who Washe
Hundreds of students at George Washington, Georgetown, American, Howard, Maryland, and Gallaudet Universities are embarrassed to announce that they got inebriated last weekend and ended up randomly fornicating with individuals with whom, were a sober situation to present itself, they would probably not share a toothbrush. The event will repeat itself next weekend, and the one after that, and every weekend after that forever until the student loans run out.
After 41 attempts at reconciliation, untold thousands of dollars in therapy bills, and a dumpster full of Prozac, the marriage of Sam and Faye MacGillicudy of Rockville, Md., has ended, much to the regret of the Maryland Couples Therapists’ Association. The Macgillicudys’ countless attempts at reconciliation have put dozens of therapists’ children through cushy private schools and paid for a number of summer homes on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. An immediate divorce is scheduled.
Messrs. Randy Saylor and Ira Lipshitz, both of Dupont Circle, wish to announce that they are no longer mired in the Bosnia-esque romantic contretemps that has characterized their lives since the day they met. Mr. Saylor, a television producer, blamed his relationship with Mr. Lipshitz on an ill-conceived desire for monogamy and Mr. Lipshitz, who works at a local video store, had no comment other than to burst into a Nathan Lane-ish tantrum of tears while downing several pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
Morgan and Blaine
proudly announce the birth
Savannah Georgia Waspington
Fifteen pounds, fourteen ounces
Thirty-three and one-half inches
Unbelievably painful and scar-inducing C-section
Dear Lord, please don’t let her
become as fucked-up as we are
Mike Zilcz, a solid C-minus student with no honors, awards, or extracurricular activities to his name, finally graduated from the Ron Nessen High School for the Supremely Mediocre, in Northeast Washington. Zilcz was an obscure member of his class, known chiefly among classmates for an impressive absenteeism rate, the ability to mimic tones of flatulence using his hand and armpit, and once drinking bong water on a dare. Zilcz, according to his father, will never amount to anything.
Admiral (U.S. Navy, retired) and Mrs. Cornelius Winthrop Dalrymple of the yacht Inertia, anchored at the Southwest waterfront, celebrated their golden wedding anniversary on March 1. The Dalrymples’ children and grandchildren held up their end of the charade by throwing a surprise party for them at Clammie’s Clam Shaq and House of Fritters, despite the fact that the couple haven’t spoken since the early days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. They currently communicate to one another through conversations with their children, pets, and, on occasion, plants. The gala was, by all accounts, a painful experience for everyone involved.
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