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The Damage Done:

Redskins’ appearance on Monday Night Football jams Beltway. “Gifford’s stuck out there in his Studebaker,” exclaims ABC Sports producer. -1

In fourth reshuffling in four years, Metropolitan Police Department Chief Charles Ramsey organizes force into three components: Fat, Lazy, and Felonious. -5

Wards of juvenile facility on MacArthur Boulevard expose themselves to nearby resident. “I’m sure they were CVS customers, too,” snaps local. -3

Arsonist torches tourist canal boat in Georgetown; National Park Service braces for further acts of mule-rights terrorism. -2

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Dupont Circle advisory neighborhood commission opposes liquor license for happy-hour mecca Ha’ Penny Lion: “We object to the blatant heterosexual activity going on down there,” reads resolution. -2

Bike messengers flood downtown for international competition; San Francisco entrant wins by pissing off the most drivers per block ridden. -1

Subtotal: -14

Shots in the Arm:

D.C. gets grant to fight terrorists; Mayor Marion Barry demands that terrorists reflect racial makeup of city. +3

Ex-Chief Financial Officer Anthony Williams dispatches three D.C. Council careerists in mayoral primary, expresses regret upon learning that instead of being taken out and shot, they return to their council seats. +7

Proposed regulation would require taxi drivers to accept credit cards; cabbies complain magnetic scanners would obstruct dashboard fans. +4

Crews finish repairs on Whitehurst Freeway: “This fine highway will be severing the city from its river for centuries to come,” says public works official. +3

Barry reports that “African governments” have approached him about jobs and discloses two most intriguing offers: chair of Kinshasa Stadium Authority and spokesperson for Ugandan Board of Dentistry. +1

British School opens in Northwest to instill English traditions in area youth; athletic director reports difficulty scheduling soccer opponents. +1

Subtotal: +19