We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.

Just my luck to be born without big tits and rhythm. While I’m left with the consolation of being a fuck creature, it’s simply not enough to compensate for missing out on the opportunity to be seduced by Mr. Jones (the Mail, 1/29). Strippers have all the fun.

Mr. Jones clearly distinguishes himself from the pathetic masses that patronize Joanna’s. He is confident, well-dressed, charming, and frugal to boot. (The way he saves money in his pursuit of fucking is masterful.) It sort of makes me weepy, though, for all of the losers who frequent strip clubs, throwing hundreds of dollars away for the sake of companionship with the unattainable. Mr. Jones must have felt similarly, because he was kind enough to encapsulate the secrets of his success in five easy-to-follow steps (in the City Paper, no less, for easy clipping and lamination!).

I have one helpful tip to add for those who endeavor to play the game: Read over the steps before walking into the club. One certainly wouldn’t want to appear desperate.

Woodley Park

via the Internet