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Hi! Oh, you must be here to repair the CD player. Hey, is Gina here? I just stopped by to use her shower. Mind if we put on some music?…Oh, sorry. Just trying to put this first-ever collection of music enacted by triple-X stars in context. It offers few pleasures and fewer surprises; even those among the porn crowd who are interested in music, like the guitar-toting, not-a-spring-chicken Madison, suck at it. Her self-penned “Man on the Moon” sounds uncharacteristically optimistic in this cynical crowd. The one thing these people are not cynical about, though, is sex; they take a slavering, infantile delight in sexual innuendo and double entendre. The one real singer in the bunch, L.A.’s oversized, ambisexual positivist Candye Kane, shows her professionalism with the rollicking cathouse number “The Meat Song”; real-life model-actor David Burrill sings with touching naivete about sexual alternatives (well, a few) while asking in the titular chorus, “Who’s Normal[?]” Isn’t that sweet? Platinum boob-brigade Nina Whett proclaims the urge to “Drink Beer and Fuck,” which has never sounded like such a dull proposition, while lippy Gen-X porn goddess Chloe Nichole brings a randy, genuinely nasty little-girl snap to Saboteur’s “Harder.” But, ugh, some of this stuff makes Dirk Diggler’s post-porn musical career sound less like fiction than Pulitzer Prize-worthy reporting. Adult legend Ginger Lynn Allen and the multitalented exotic Hyapatia Lee both sing excruciating, Survivor-style power rock. Poor Suzi Suzuki lurches and lisps her way through “Calypso Shower,” and cueball-headed gay porn actor Marshall O Boy’s “Screw My Head” shows why people used to say that any moron could make a punk-rock record. There are two gems, however: Vinnie Spit and wife Mistress Jacqueline’s ultrasmutty “Asshole Man”—addicted to crack, indeed—is pure novelty; and Midori’s hypnotically booty-slapping lap-dance anthem, “5, 10, 15, 20,” has the musical craft of a future classic. Dance with yourself to it today. —Arion Berger