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11

WEDNESDAY

Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be child actors. It’s not just the Diff’rent Strokes curse that worries me—it’s that we all have to suffer watching the towheaded tykes pretend to emote while venal grownups pimp them to sell us crap. But the questionably named Chambers Stevens thinks otherwise. He has produced two books, Magnificent Monologues for Kids and 24-Carat Commercials for Kids: Everything Kids Need to Know to Break Into Commercials!, to help children achieve their parents’ goal of quick and easy fortune. Before you suit up your little JonBenet, consider this audition piece, “The Confession,” wherein an aspiring pre-thespian admits to stealing from Mom: “‘Someday I hope you can forgive me and you’ll think of me as your sweet little girl again.’ (She bends over in the spanking position.) ‘Remember, not too hard.’” Oh, sweetie, you got the part. Come sit on uncle’s lap and we’ll discuss wardrobe. Someone should bend Stevens over at 11 a.m. at Barnes & Noble, 4801 Bethesda Ave., Bethesda. Free. (301) 986-1761. (Dave Nuttycombe)