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Last week, the Washington Post came up with the following headline to go with a story about the Democratic mayoral primary in Baltimore:

White Man Gets Mayoral Nomination in Baltimore

The headline was truthful and direct, packing a visceral racial wallop the Post isn’t generally known for. In fact, the next day, the paper couldn’t back away fast enough, saying the headline “distorted the role of race in the election and violated Washington Post policy about reporting racial identifications only in proper context.”

Other than that, it was fine.

We wondered about what life might be like in a parallel universe, where Post headlines reflected the true subtext of every story. Where, instead of striving for that sleepy weave of the bland and the banal, the Post actually put signifiers atop its stories that spoke directly to the implications of the pieces. Here are a few samples we brought back from the other side:

Uncle Tom Politician Sells Out Race, Compromises With Whitey at Every Turn

Another Hillbilly Pervert High School Janitor Picked Up for Sexual Assault

Big, Scary Black Guy Suspected of Killing People for Fun

Exciting New Inner City Development Will Raise Rents, Get Rid of Poor People

Fat, White, Rich Guys Get Fatter, Whiter, and Richer in Wake of IPO

Black Politician Plays Race Card After Other Approaches Fail

D.C. Bureaucrats Throw Money Down Rathole, Ask for More

Congressional Hatred of D.C. Manifest in Latest Rider to D.C. Appropriations Bill

And think of the possibilities on the Op-Ed page…

Newspaper Covers Its Ass, Comes Down Hard on Side of Absolutely Nothing

Wonky, Tortured Expert Lays Out Argument on Issue No One Has Ever Heard About

Another Chunk of Manufactured Consent You Can Safely Ignore