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Fair warning, young lovers: When they give away the free cruise at the Festa Italiana in Little Italy this weekend—yes, we have a Little Italy, but no one has ever knowingly been there—run like hell. I’ve sailed the Costa Romantica before, and within two days of leaving Miami, I was willing to risk getting shot dog-paddling to Cuba. Why, you ask? Jesus, here come the shakes: The bastards lost my girlfriend’s luggage. My clothes-dependent princess bitterly bought a cheap-ass T-shirt from the gift shop and then stormed the Lido Deck like the T-2000. It was horrific. By the time we reached San Juan, she hated me, she hated all bodies of water, and—with the exception of Dean Martin—she hated all Italians. So indulge in the Festa Italiana’s tasty eats, opera singers, and tarantella dancers today, but when it comes time for that raffle, for godssakes look away. From 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. on 3rd Street between E and G Streets NW. Free. (301) 249-5524. (Sean Daly)