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Come, my friend, let me whisper in your ear: You are not alone. I, too, have gandered at Picasso’s Les Demoiselles d’Avignon and wondered only, What the hell? I, too, have contemplated Caravaggio’s The Calling of Matthew and thought only, Is eating two Big Macs at lunch healthier than eating two at dinner? I, too, have stood before Renoir’s Luncheon of the Boating Party and contemplated only, Should that mangy-looking dog really be on the table? And what’s with the drunk broad making eyes at that ugly guy when there’s a perfectly happening dude right next to her? And I, too, have been positioned before Vermeer’s Woman With a Water Jug and have had only one clear thought: Do I really want to take the Eagles plus-7 at the Vet even though Philly’s red-zone O has been impotent on the turf? So join me when Thomas Hoving discusses and signs his book Art for Dummies at 8 p.m. at the U. S. Department of Agriculture’s Jefferson Auditorium, 14th and Independence Avenue SW, Wing 4. $13. For reservations call (202) 357-3030. (SD)