Anybody with a lot of time on his hands and a prurient interest in the first draft of history can do a year—or a millennium, for that matter—in review. But it takes perspicacious wisdom and a Pentium-powered crystal ball to see tomorrow’s headlines today. Coming soon to a newsstand near you:
Anthony Williams Now Too Black
After sighting the mayor slipping into Players at odd times for greens and cornbread, Outlook will run a piece suggesting that the mayor has “gone native” and may risk offending voters in Ward 3.
New Presidential Fundraising
The New York Times, the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, and the Los Angeles Times will all editorialize against the role of big, unaccountable money in politics. And all will religiously use fundraising totals as a measure of candidates’ efficacy.
Abducted by Aliens
After a particularly vivid excursion into the labyrinth she just wrote about, Quinn will be sucked through a lens flare in a camera and transported to a galaxy even farther away than the one she currently inhabits. “They were perfectly lovely sorts, but the wine—well, let’s just say that extraterrestrial reds don’t travel well,” Quinn will report. Style will dutifully print every single word of her remarkable inner journey to the outer limits.
10 Best Places to Get Those Buns Tucked
Those lifestyle savants at the Washingtonian will come up with yet another hardy perennial. Look for a rear-view shot of lots of spandex-clad bouncing butts making their way around the Tidal Basin.
Hil Still Runs, Time to Load the Guns
The New York Post’s final day of covering the Senate race.
Running Mates Get the Full Treatment
Citing the “American appetite for torturous, lint-flecked biographies,” the Washington Post editors will commission 14-part summations of the vice-presidential candidates of both major parties. The Post will then decide to amalgamate all the biographies into a book, which will be remaindered on impact.
After extensive historical research and tough investigative prospecting into President Clinton’s lineage, the Washington Times will discover that his mother actually slept with Satan in order to conceive the 42nd president of the United States.
Market Corrects, Time Says, ‘We Told You So’
After the bears claw the dot-com market to pieces, Time magazine will do three covers in a row about the overhyping of the Internet. Time Man of the Year Jeff Bezos will not be quoted.
Comes to Town
The tipping and tippling behavior of Ricci’s personal trainer will be reliably reported out by Lloyd Grove. A stale file photo with a fizzy cutline will put everyone in the know.
Afrocentric Fitness Equipment Dealer Opens
A store selling workout equipment “designed by Afro-Americans with the Afro-American in mind” will open in Shaw. District Weekly will do 24 inches on this radical new local concept in black wellness.
Washington Post Hires New Metro Columnist
With Donna Britt’s gaze firmly fixed on both her own shoes (and the needs of her syndicators) and Courtland Milloy writing the same column every time (just changing the names), Post readers will tear open their paper in search of a columnist who does something besides provide graphic framing for the front of Metro.
Brill’s Content will say that Time-ABC-New York Times got it wrong. Said media outlets will say that Content got it wrong. Hands will be wrung, opprobrium will be distributed, and teeth will be gnashed.
The Race Is On
In a single day, the Post will attribute the rise in real estate prices, the lack of retail in neighborhoods, and failure of the school system to race.
Fox 5 Goes
Inside the Secret Underground of Embassy Parties
After a four-week hidden-cam investigation, Fox 5 News will discover that many of the guests at embassy parties actually don’t belong there and are uninvited crashers. The sweeps-week video will include an overindulged Hill intern passed out in a pool of foie gras and Bordeaux.
Star Post columnist Tony Kornheiser will find a piece of string in the newsroom and write it up for Sunday Style.
The NNAT network—”No News, All the Time”—will be launched. A shortage of available guests will leave talking-head anchors interviewing cabdrivers who work the Hill for the mood of Washington.
Al Gore Sinks
Like a Rock,
New Republic publisher Martin Peretz will install an electronic collar on boy genius Peter Beinart. Peretz will take to zapping Beinart every time he publishes a story that reveals that Gore’s suit is empty, regardless of what shade of earth tone it’s in.
Slate Comes Up
With Yet Another
This time, Bill Gates and Michael Kinsley won’t be taking any chances. In order to generate eyeballs, if not buzz, Slate will give steady readers “virtual dollars” that can be spent anywhere on the Web. Why leave all the mounting e-commerce losses to tchotchke-vendors? This time, content will be king, regardless of how much it costs.
Redskins Lose First Game of Playoffs
Post sports columnist Michael Wilbon will suggest that there is much hope for the future, but if there isn’t, then someday, somebody’s head’s gonna roll. Maybe.
Wilson Bridge Is Falling Down
Look for the Post to go postal every time anybody lets trifles like the environment or sane growth get in the way of the steady march of progress. There’s no such thing as a sane lane when you’re talking 12 lanes to begin with.
The Post Op-Ed page will come out firmly against them. —David Carr
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